Beach Blanket Bingo Ramble

Last week I watched Beach Blanket Bingo and it was the first time I watched any of the Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello beach party films. The closest I came prior was The Pee Wee Christmas Special.

If you think I chose this one because it stars Paul Lynde, you’re right.

We’re living in a time when people are adamant about being on their best behavior and striving to be politically correct. With that said, pardon me while I talk about Annette Funicello’s breasts.

Annette Funicello was a Mouseketeer during her childhood and one day developed to the point Walt Disney said “I CAN’T HAVE PEOPLE GETTING BONERS DURING MY PICTURES, IS KURT RUSSELL READY TO BE A STAR?”

By all accounts it seems like she had a great time at Disney because during all these beach party films, she never showed her belly button and I guess that’s something she did because she felt she had some code of dignity to hold up as a former Disney star. As a Millennial, it’s crazy to look back on that time when belly buttons were risque because in the 90s and early 2000s, every female fashion trend centered on the question “how do we display the belly button?”

So yeah, Annette Funicello has breasts that look like they’re gonna wage war on Sophia Loren’s dinner plate. I mention this cause Frankie Avalon’s character spends a portion of the film having the hots for a redhead while with Annette Funicello. Isn’t this back when dudes only cared about boobs? The ass wasn’t even talked about until Sir Mix-A-Lot discovered it in 1992. We should replace Christopher Columbus statues with him because that’s the true great discovery.

For those who have never seen the beach party movies, I’d say the tone is like Archie Comics. It’s nothing but wholesome, surreal fun. I have to imagine the darkest thing that happens in these movies is someone drinking regular soda when they wanted diet.

So much insanity happens in this one. My favorite detail might be Buster Keaton doing his own stuntwork. Keaton was 69, a year away from dying and there’s a scene where he’s dancing like a maniac, pretends to hit himself in the face and falls back into a chair. The fact that they got Buster Keaton in this movie AND he’s got speaking lines is already crazy enough, on top of it he’s doing stunts like it’s 1924 and he’s filming Sherlock Jr.

 

Don Rickles is also here as a guy who owns a skydiving facility. On top of owning a skydiving facility, there’s a random scene where he does his iconic insult comedy. This is the last time until Back To The Beach that Frankie Avalon is in a beach party movie for more than six minutes and at one moment, Don Rickles tears him apart. What other movie is an insult comic berating the lead performer?

 

This is a movie where anything can happen. Maybe the next scene is Don Rickles doing insult comedy, maybe it’s 60s icon Donna Loren singing It Only Hurts When I Cry

 

Did you know Don Rickles was a friend of Frank Sinatra? He actually had the balls to say to Frank after his kid was kidnapped, “They just found out why the kidnappers let Junior go, he wouldn’t stop singing in the trunk.” Keep in mind Sinatra was a guy who had Jackie Mason beat up for talking about him being too old for Mia Farrow.

While talking about the Sinatras, I should bring up how Nancy Sinatra was supposed to make her on screen debut in this film until she found out her character would be kidnapped. The kidnapping of Frank Sinatra Jr just happened so she turned it down. What a shame because when it comes to women in bikinis, Nancy Sinatra would sell all the tickets. She posed in Playboy when she was 55 and when you look at her you’re saying “alright so what’s the secret? Is she covering herself in blood like Elizabeth Bathory? Does that actually work?” Just give it a Google search, I promise you’ll be ejaculating like the first time you typed in “Pam Anderson’s Big Ol Honkers” on AskJeeves.

On a scale of 1-10, how problematic is my thirst for Annette Funicello and Frank Sinatra?

Have I talked about a character fucking a mermaid yet?

A character named Bonehead gets saved by a naked woman who’s always in the ocean, turns out she’s a mermaid. They’re a great couple, good chemistry and by the end she’s like “yeah this could never work, you should go hook up with the other hot blonde.” Fucking guy’s named Bonehead and he’s got his pick of the crop. This is proof any guy over six feet has access to any girl he wants. If you’re a guy who’s six foot plus, I hope you’re aware the life of Wilt Chamberlain is a possibility. If you want it, you could have a sex life that would never stop serving as material for Barry White’s studio sessions. If you haven’t had your dick explode from too much friction like the guy in Three Dog Night, you haven’t been living up to your potential.

That’s enough fever brained rambling. If you like the safe and warm humor found in Archie Comics, Beach Blanket Bingo really is the film for you.