I know what you’re thinking. If you happen to come across this post you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Emilio why the fuck would I care about you not writing something about the 50th anniversary of Rosemary’s Baby? Do I look like I fucking care what you think of a fucking Ira Levin adaptation cocksucker?” Fair enough but I really wish someone would listen to me praise The Boys From Brazil and give it a view. Gregory Peck and James Mason plays Nazis impregnating women with Hitler’s cum all in an attempt of trying to create a new Fuhrer, Lawrence “I’m The Fucking God of Shakespeare, Ian McKellen Doesn’t Have Dick On Me” Olivier plays a Jewish Nazi hunter and Steve “Police Academy” Guttenberg is even in the film towards the beginning. Great fucking movie that everybody should see.
I’m gonna try to make this post as fun as possible because MAYBE one person clicks on it and I really want to make your day Sole Reader.
So today is the 50th anniversary of Rosemary’s Baby and I’m not posting something I wrote following a rewatch. Now, when I’m making an announcement about not watching it naturally you’re probably thinking to yourself I’m making a choice not to watch it because Roman Polanski is more problematic than Kevin Spacey standing up in the middle of a screening for Deadpool 2, asking the theater to rewind it after Ryan Reynolds crosses his legs and shows off his baby dick.
Psh you think Roman fucking Polanski is gonna prevent me from watching the great performances awesome people have given in his movies? You think I’m not watching Cul-De-Sac with DONALD FUCKING PLEASANCE because Polanski read Lolita, got some ideas and flew off to Paris? Give me a fucking break.
Mia fucking Farrow acts HER FUCKING ASS OFF in this Rosemary’s Baby, John Cassavetes is great in it, MY FUCKING BOY ELISHA COOK JR POPS UP IN THIS MOVIE!!!
WILLIAM CASTLE PRODUCED IT!!!!
Ruth fucking Gordon. Ruth motherfucking Gordon giving yet another amazing performance. Oh my god people, I mean you dear reader…..Minnie Castevet. One of the greatest characters ever in a horror movie, of all time, no argument, we only praise Ruth fucking Gordon in this house!
If you’re reading this right now and you have never seen Harold and Maude…..close your fucking laptop, put that movie on I don’t care how you get it…fuck it, come to my house I got the Criterion Blu-Ray, we’ll watch it, you can thank me 1,000 times before you leave for how I just improved your life.
Since only one person’s reading this I’m gonna get real. When it comes to guys this problematic it’s alright if you only watch the stuff they did BEFORE grabbing a bag full of Cosby pills and dropping them in juice boxes at the local elementary school. Polanski didn’t drag that 13 year old into his jacuzzi until 1977 so good news you can still enjoy Chinatown! Bad news…you gotta throw out your beloved copy of Pirates starring Walter Matthau
Obviously Polanski’s dark past isn’t keeping me from writing about this film so what is it? I have to be honest with you one and only reader….I don’t own a copy of this movie.
I own a copy of Orphan
Naturally I picked a photo from the Polanski approved moment in the movie.
WHAT?
I own the Blacula/ Scream Blacula Scream Double Feature DVD
WHAT?
I own NINE Puppet Master Movies
Tunneler is my favorite one followed by Leech Woman at a close second
WHAT?
I own a fucking Dollman/Demonic Toys boxset
True story: First horror film I ever saw
WHAT?
Non horror related but I even own a copy of Two Moon Junction, a softcore porno starring Sherilyn Fenn but I don’t own a fucking copy of Rosemary’s Baby.
Embarrassing, that Criterion Copy so obviously be in my collection….but it’s not and when a hot far left liberal horror fan asks me why, I’ll say it’s because I can’t stand to support Roman Polanski to get some pussy that makes me react like Hillary Clinton during an acid flashback.
I looked for this on Hulu, FilmStruck, The Criterion Channel and even Shudder. None of them fucking had it. Really pissed at the fucking Criterion Channel for not having it…it’s the FIFTIETH FUCKING ANNIVERSARY THROW ME A GOD DAMN BONE YOU INGMAR BERGMAN LOVING MOTHER FUCKERS.
I could’ve rented it for FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS ON AMAZON but I’m not some sucker who falls for a bullshit scam like that. Four fucking dollars to watch a movie ONCE? What do I fucking look like to you? A god damn Rockefeller who doesn’t leave the house without my top hat and fancy suit? Get the fuck outta here!
I used to be able to rent a movie for ONE DOLLAR at Bunger’s in Rochelle, IL when I was a kid and keep it for FIVE WHOLE DAYS. Four fucking dollars, Jeff Bezos deep throat my fucking cock and tongue my testicles while I cum and you’ll get your four bucks no problem.
Bustin makes me feel good!
Hypothetically I guess I could’ve gotten access to one of them Amazon Firesticks and streamed the movie for free on some underground app. I myself have no idea how that works because I have never done or used such a thing, nor have I ever even downloaded something for free…holla at ya boy Lars Ulrich. But….let’s just say there is an alternate reality where I looked for Rosemary’s Baby on such an app and couldn’t even get access to it there. Every god damn link that would go through buffered every five seconds and made it unwatchable……..in this alleged alternative reality of course.
I saw that it was perhaps available at the library in town but fuck that. I love my library to death but if we’re being real…libraries can be a very fucking sketchy environment you don’t wanna roam around in. I put stuff on hold and don’t walk five feet past where the front desk is. If you’re able to make it early enough to the library before all the deadbeats wake up it’s one thing but if not, fuck that. This time of day is when you get there and some guy is talking loud, using fuck like an adjective IN PUBLIC, not in a blog post nobody is going to read and is appalled when a librarian tells them they gotta go and accuses them of stepping on their first amendment rights. No thanks, already seen that episode.
I used to love finding graphic novels I never knew about before searching around my library but I can’t fucking do that anymore. They put the graphic novels ALLLLLLLL the way in the back right next to the tables where all the sketchiest of people go to have their conversations. After a few times of guys looking at me like I’m the asshole when they’re on the speakerphone with their drug dealers trying to talk their meth addicted sister from getting a finger or toe sliced off, I do all my searching online and have the librarian go back there while some guy is having phone sex and moaning how much he loves a girl who licks the peanut butter from in-between his toes.
So I hope that clears things up and I think I’ve gone on long enough. Thank for reading this whoever comes across this, for better or for worse people like you are the ones who keep me posting at a perhaps mentally unhealthy prolific rate.
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