Clovis the Cat believe it or not began his career like everybody else, struggling in Hollywood.
“It was one failed audition after the other. I’m performing in Cat On A Hot Tin Roof every night as the title character, nobody gives a shit. I’m living in alleyways munching on fish bones in the garbage can. It was rough but I always knew my name was going to be up in the big lights someday…….and then out of nowhere the script for Sleepwalkers landed in my paws and my life just began this upward climb to success.”
It was 1992 when Sleepwalkers was released and nobody could’ve predicted the breakthrough star the film would create. When everybody walked out of the theater, all they could find themselves talking about was the brand new action hero that broke out onto the Hollywood scene, Clovis the Cat.
“Everything just seemed to take off overnight.” Clovis says. “My litterboxes got bigger, they had a better quality of cat litter and I was surrounded by brand new catnip toys. It was great feeling to finally be a big deal.”
From the premiere night, Clovis was beginning to experience the life in the fast lane.
“I just remember watching myself on the big screen sitting next to Stephen King on one side telling me about how he was working on a script for a sequel to Sleepwalkers while I was snorting catnip off of Madchen Amick’s tits. It was just one of those surreal Hollywood moments you think only exists in some campy bullshit like Showgirls but I’m here to tell you that shit really goes on.”
Everybody loved Clovis’ performance and according to those on set he was a pleasure to work with.
“Clovis was really dedicated to his craft,” Director Mick Garris stated. “I recall him doing all of his own stunts so it looked more realistic. He actually found a village where shape shifting Sleepwalkers lived and killed five of them with his bare paws as a means to truly prepare for his role and it shows. I haven’t really experienced an actor that dedicated to the craft like I did with Clovis.”
After his breakout performance, Clovis starred in multiple action films such as Meow Hard, The Tabbynator and Dirty Kitty.
“It was a lot of fun and the roles were really challenging. I would always try to come up with some groundbreaking scene or fight sequence that was going to wow audiences and if you look at the box office numbers, I always delivered.”
Which is true. From 1993 up until 2000, Clovis is perhaps the most successful feline performer of all time. He’s notable for attracting a feline audience to theaters in a way that hasn’t been seen since.
“O yeah I had kittens and cats lined up around the block in my time. Sometimes when I watch a movie and see them attempting to re-create the magic I gave them or you know have a cat from every country they’re releasing the movie in I can’t help but shake my head as they attempt to replicate what I gave the industry.”
As mentioned previously, Clovis had a tendency to always want to challenge himself. Once he felt that he had run out of ideas is when things seemed to take a dark turn according to Jean Claude Van Damme.
“Us action guys always keep in touch with one another.” Van Damme states. “I think Clovis came to visit me when I was working on The Quest and I was in the middle of not only starring in but also directing this film. So, what I’m saying is due to the hefty work schedule the coke problem I developed on the set of Street Fighter exceeded and got more and more frightening during filming.”
Van Damme claims it was he who got Clovis started on mixing catnip and cocaine.
“He was already doing catnip and I could tell he was bored. He was bored of the mild buzz he got on catnip and he was also beginning to get bored with his career. So I told him how cocaine helped me through a slump and yeah before I knew it he was right there with me in the gutter.”
For the remainder of the 90s and off and on in the beginning of the 21st century, Clovis had a morbid catnip/cocaine habit.
“Clovis and I did all the big time war movies together.” Tom Sizemore states referencing co-starring with the cat on Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down and Pearl Harbor. “And unfortunately for the most part we don’t remember a god damn thing.”
Although Sizemore remembers one moment on the set of Pearl Harbor.
“We were partying and trashing a hotel room, me, Clovis and Jennifer Garner who was relatively unknown at the time. She let us make her into a bridge thinking it would further her career later on. I remember she was so god damn narcissistic she made us watch the rough cuts of her show that was gonna premiere later that year, Alias. We’re banging her and her eyes are glued onto the screen. I don’t know, you stick around Tinseltown for as long as I do and you get used to bizarre shit like that.”
Danny Trejo was in fact the one who pulled Clovis out of a rather risky situation one night.
“I remember being woken up by my phone ringing by my bedside and it was Clovis and I’m asking him what the hell was going on and he just told me to pick him up from this hotel room. Now, knowing this town and the address he gave me I was freaking out cause I knew this was a neighborhood you didn’t wanna be in.”
Trejo would be even more shocked once he got to the hotel room.
“I’ll never forget opening the door and Clovis’ eyes are bloodshot and he’s kneading his paws into this man’s gut. I then notice this guy’s face is blue. That’s also when I noticed it was Chris Farley. So being a friend, I got Clovis the hell out of there and made him check into rehab. By the end of it I was telling him I wasn’t going to allow him to be the next one dead with some cat kneading their paws into his stomach.”
Clovis wipes away tears as he reflects on that night and Trejo’s words.
“It was a rude awakening. I was losing control on my life and luckily Danny Trejo was there to help set me straight. Now of course I didn’t get my shit together right away but it was a step in the right direction.”
Off and on Clovis would try to get sober before finally getting clean in 2003.
“What can I say? I went all out New Year’s Eve 2002 into the early hours of the new year and I told myself it had to finally end, I was fucking fed up with the bullshit, the entourage of people around me pretending to give a shit but only caring about my income and I made a change for the better.”
For the last decade or so Clovis has only been starring in straight to DVD action films, none of which have been all that notable.
But….just recently he got to be apart of the most successful horror film of all time, the recent rendition of It.
“Andy Muschietti called me and told me that the bad guys in the film happen to drive the same blue Trans-Am that Brian Krause drives in Sleepwalkers and he had this great idea for a jump scare where I jump from the backseat, scratch Henry Bowers across the cheek and leap out before he takes off. The fans really responded well to it. I got so many complimentary tweets about it.”
Clovis also recently featured in a recent campaign ad for Hillary Clinton just days before the election where she is sitting with Clovis on her lap as she pets him and tells her supporters this is the only pussy she’ll be grabbing with a wink to the camera.
“Ya know you have your typical conservatives chewing you out for allegedly being a stereotypical liberal elitist but for the most part people surprisingly found it to be a moment of fun in a very stressful election.”
And what does the future hold for Clovis?
“Well I’m getting older but I just signed a contract to do some action films in China. Jackie Chan set me up with a great creative crew and I’m really excited to show the world what we have up our sleeves. As for in America? There was talks of doing an all cat Ghostbusters in their planned Ghostbusters shared universe but I think Sony pulled the plug on that. I don’t know, no offers yet but I’ll be busy with filming overseas and touring conventions and meeting great fans. You never know though, you never say never in this town.”
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