5/20/2023

Have you ever done 10 miles of cardio, 30 sets of lifting exercises and beat off three times in the same day? I have. Thank god for Liquid IV or I’d be looking like Lady Cassandra O’Brien right about now. I knew watching several episodes of Doctor Who 10+ years ago would come in handy one day.

I’m at an age now where masturbation fills me with whatever level of guilt I’ve heard consumes Catholic boys after they fuck a tubesock. My family has tried to tell me as politely as they can numerous times that I need to be shooting loads into any broad with child bearing hips. Now whenever I make myself cum, I hear echoes of my mom telling me years ago “you just need to plant the seed, I’ll raise it.” It’s similar to that episode of Rocket Power where Otto cheated in a race and he has guilt dreams with his sister screaming “YOU CAN TAKE A SHORTCUT CUT CUT….” One of these nights, I should get drunk and try watching Rocket Power for the first time in 20+ years. I probably won’t, because I know it’ll be like that TNG episode with Scotty where he’s on a holodeck recreation of the original Enterprise and I’ll be saying “this isn’t real, it’s just an embarrassing, nostalgic attempt to feel whatever dopamine and serotonin I last felt as a child in 1999-2000. Hmph! And I’m just a 31 year old mess who’s trying to hide in it. Alexa, shut this bloody thing off! It’s time I acted my age.” But then, when I realize “acting my age” is probably getting married and having kids, I’ll rush back to that Rocket Power binge with a propeller hat on.

I think my grandmother might castrate me if she found out I was spilling semen outside of pussy. Years ago, my dad brought a new girlfriend to some holiday dinner, both of them had to be in their late 40/early 50s, and my grandmother said some bizarre cryptic thing to her like “the people at my church have so many new grandkids, I just love seeing new grandkids.” I shut that shit down with “grandma you go to a Mexican church, of course there’s always a new kid showing up.” The most recent time she was in town, I don’t even think any of us said “hi” before she said “just so you know, I got all your baby stuff so when you have a kid and wanna show them all your old baby stuff, just remember I got it.” If that woman walked in on me fucking my hand, she’d probably pick up the toilet paper I ejaculated into and start muttering “twins, this could’ve been twins. We could’ve had twins to continue the Amaro legacy!” If you’re wondering, yes, I’m imagining a scene mirroring Liam Neeson in Schindler’s List where he’s crying about how he should’ve traded his Nazi pin to save two Jews from Auschwitz, but it’s my grandma sadly looking upon spooge filled toilet paper.

Well, I’m not sure what I can say after that tasteless Schindler’s List parody. Oy vey, saying all this as an uncircumcised man makes me feel like I just committed a hate crime. This is how I honor the community that gave us Crossing Delancey?!? If you’re a Jew reading this, may every day of your life be the night of Christmas Eve.