5/11/2023

Star Trek is the only thing I currently watch. For a majority of my life I never cared much for sci-fi. Now I end every day in a Jean Luc Picard bathrobe.

I’m currently subscribed to Paramount Plus for all things Star Trek, but I don’t always watch Star Trek. Sometimes I subject myself to Star Trek: Discovery. What a shitshow. I recently watched Point of Light, an episode that’s convinced me to root against every Hollywood writer in the 2023 strike. One of the main storylines is a character being haunted by a Jamaican child. This whiny, Miss Cleo Jr is revealed to be the manifestation of a mushroom that’s infiltrated this person’s body. Please Hollywood Gods, do not give these writers a living wage.

If that wasn’t dumb enough, Point of Light also spends a lot of time focusing on what the Klingons are doing. It’s hard to pinpoint what the worst thing about Discovery might be. Their depiction of Klingons is a worthy contender. From the original Star Trek films to TNG and DS9, the on screen presentation of Klingons has been perfected. For some reason, Discovery discarded all that to give us a version of Klingons that look like an inferior knockoff of Game of Thrones’ White Walkers. I never watched Game of Thrones, and even I feel like I’m watching a Game of Thrones porn parody without the penetration whenever the Klingons appear.

Towards the end of Point of Light’s Klingon tangent, the Klingons’ leader is holding up the head of a decapitated infant. This is later revealed to be a ruse. I’m not sure how many brain cells die every time you get drunk, but it’s minuscule compared to what happened to my brain while watching that. This is why I truly believe that the hacks fueling this current writer’s strike should hand their jobs over to those Fentanyl filled tent dwellers populating Skid Row in a real life reboot of Trading Places.

I should end this Star Trek tangent by actually talking about Star Trek. I recently saw that episode of DS9 where Odo gets laid. The woman who takes Odo’s v-card is later revealed to be a sleeper agent who had her memory wiped so she wouldn’t be found out by whatever villainous telepathic foes her government was infiltrating. Her and Odo don’t end up being a couple because she’s married. I wonder how the conversation went between this woman and her husband before she became a secret agent. “Yeah honey I’m gonna have my memory cleared so I can get by the bad guys’ brain scans, so just keep that in mind that if I come back and tell you I fucked 50 guys.” I also wanna know what the conversation was like when she returned. “Good news honey, I didn’t fuck 50 guys. Bad news, I fucked one changeling who could form his cock into any shape I requested so you’re gonna have to learn how to find my clit blindfolded and start eating ass pronto.”

I can’t think of a better way to honor Gene Roddenberry than by fondly recalling a changeling getting laid.