We Wish Vince McMahon All The Best In His Future Endeavors

On Friday it was announced that Vince McMahon was retiring from whatever he’s been doing over the past 40 years. Personally I think he’s generated his wealth from successfully killing the wrestling business x amount of times and getting people who aren’t wrestling fans to invest a startling amount of time into hokey sports entertainment. Whatever Vince McMahon has been doing, he’s really good at it.

I’ve felt a vast indifference to this massive headline. In a company who loves saying “never say never”, it’s impossible to imagine Vince McMahon no longer associated with the WWE. When the hubbub around this sad man paying any woman who touches him $3 million dies down, it’s easy to imagine Vince McMahon returning to power. As long as Stephanie McMahon, Bruce Prichard and Kevin Dunn are in the WWE, Vince is still in the WWE. Stephanie McMahon, Bruce Prichard and Kevin Dunn aren’t people, they’re empty vessels that Vince McMahon has transported his personality into, similar to how Chucky seeks out bodies to transfer his soul into throughout the Child’s Play movies. Vince is gone, but Stephanie, Bruce and Kevin are singing Time Is On My Side with a sinister grin. My apologies for referencing a Denzel Washington movie you perhaps haven’t seen. I saw it once 15 years ago and it apparently made an impression.

The news of Vince McMahon’s retirement not only feels unremarkable because nothing will change, but it also feels too late for anything to change. What incentive would WWE have to make Raw a watchable program like it used to be instead of the three hour hellscape it currently is? The three hour hellscape is jam packed with ad revenue watched by people who’ve eternally fallen into the habit of watching a live action variant of a 80s Saturday morning cartoon where the sole intent is getting children into a Toys ‘R Us with those money marks they call parents. Capitalism is Goldberg without Kevin Nash booking himself going over.

Whether or not Vince McMahon is around, WWE will continue being the irrelevant corporate entity it’s been for awhile now. I don’t imagine the stocks being in any danger and I also don’t see WWE fans having any reason to stop reminiscing about how much happier they used to be during the Attitude Era.