Halloween Ends Trailer

I don’t know about you, but I’m happy whenever something makes me recall the fascinating dreck known as Halloween Kills. I felt the first Blumhouse Halloween succeeded at doing a majority of what they set out to do, one of which was returning to Michael Myers being human instead of a supernatural entity backed up by the Dungeon of Doom. Somehow in their first sequel, Michael Myers immediately returned to being a supernatural entity that might as well have William Riker’s father being his Paul Bearer again. It began with The Shape killing an entire fire department in seconds right before no selling a bag of bricks to the head. The fucking finale was him sitting up like The Undertaker and killing the lynch mob that bludgeoned him with baseball bats and irons. Fuck me, I saw more selling from Bruiser Brody the night he stood idly while Lex Luger punched him and scared Lex so badly he leapt over the cage and left Florida that night. Not enough wrestling references? THE HALLOWEEN KILLS VERSION OF MICHAEL MYERS WOULD’VE GONE INTO OVW AND TURNED LEVIATHAN INTO THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER!

Don’t even get me started on the Halloween Kills B plot where the Haddonfield townsfolk chased some small oaf around like Benny Hill because they thought it was Michael Myers, the tall, lean, literal killing machine. The timeline is revised, but randos on the side still gotta die like and Ben Tramer and Ted Hollister.

So that fuckery brings us to Halloween Ends. Judging by the minute long reel that Blumhouse claims is a trailer, Halloween Ends looks like it’ll be 90-120 minutes of Michael Myers and Laurie Strode fighting in a very dark interior. I got a feeling this won’t have shit on Silent Rage, a 1982 Chuck Norris movie where the main heel is an indestructible mute serial killer. In the movie where Chuck Norris already has his hands full with a monster emptying out a hospital in this lively Halloween II bootleg, Norris also single-handedly stomps out a malicious biker gang. Needless to say, Silent Rage fucking rules. Do yourself a favor and watch it on Tubi or Roku.

Another 4/4 Chuck Norris film you’re likely to find on free apps is A Force of One. Alongside Chuck Norris you also have Clu Gulager and Ron O’Neal. This might be blasphemy to say as a Cuban, but Ron O’Neal in Superfly is the coolest use of cocaine I’ve ever seen. I love the way he dips it out with his cross necklace to take a hit through one nostril before immediately having another hit through the other nostril. Superfly’s a good movie, but the more necessary experience is listening to all the songs Curtis Mayfield contributed to the soundtrack.

So those are my thoughts on the Halloween Ends trailer. It’s hard to feel any anticipation after the incoherent balls to the wall carnage in Halloween Kills, how are you topping that? I’m just glad I reached a point in this post where Curtis Mayfield was mentioned. I don’t have siblings which means I have no nieces and nephews to be an eccentric uncle for, so I guess by the end here I’ve forced you to be my pseudo-nieces/nephews I’ve taken it upon myself to be a tastemaker for. Your parents are having date night and the person in charge of your well-being is in a bathrobe resembling Jean Luc Picard’s uniform, drinking Cuba Libres and putting on Pusherman while we both have a popsicle and sit down a minute.