It was recently Rex Manning Day. I enjoyed Empire Records the last time I watched it, but that previous sentence means nothing to me. Maybe that’s just this pandemic draining more color outta me. When we bring a COVID vaccine to every grandma’s front door, I’ll get giddy about Rex Manning again.
I first found out about Empire Records through VH1. That channel would pick a movie and play it at a volume comparable to Ridiculousness‘ presence on MTV today. Whenever Empire Records was on, I always landed on the questionable moment of melodrama. It’s odd because Empire Records is a cute teen comedy, then suddenly everybody’s pissed at Renee Zellweger for fucking Rex Manning and she responds by throwing Liv Tyler’s Judy Garland capsules at her while screaming “I COULD STUDY ALL NIGHT IF I WAS CHOWING DOWN SPEED TOO!”
I really feel for Anthony LaPaglia’s Joe Reaves. He’s probably thinking “I just wanted to be surrounded by music. I didn’t know my store was gonna be the set of Pretty White Kids With Problems.”
That ham fisted moment of drama felt like a routine 90s trope. I remember in Singles there’s a random beat where someone gets into a car crash and I think had a miscarriage. That’s immediately followed with Matt Dillon displaying the rad speakers he put in his girlfriend’s car that eventually shatter her windows and Chris Cornell is in the background reacting like Sig Ruman seeing The Marx Brothers terrorizing high society.
Going back to Rex Manning fucking Renee Zellweger, I’m suddenly realizing that’s a high schooler the washed up singer fucked. Definitely a problem…..or is it? Why didn’t Joe just call up Rex Manning’s label and say “hey your guy fucked a minor in my store, I want hush money or this guy’s getting booked for Kip Wingering on my property.” That would’ve solved his financial problems.
Could you fucking imagine the happy ending of Empire Records being the store’s saved because Joe blackmailed a pedophile? The “good guy” in this scenario would be someone using a victim of statutory rape to get extortion money. That would’ve been a very dark turn. I’m now imagining a franchise where Empire Records becomes Epstein Island. It gets to a point where Joe’s saying to Gary Glitter “hey did you just assault one of my underage employees in a backroom filled with cameras? Let’s talk about the portion of “Rock n Roll Part Two”‘s royalties I’ll be receiving from now on…”
…well this took a turn. How did we get to Joe Reaves turning into Jeffery Epstein? Maybe I’m listening to too much Tim Dillon during this pandemic. I’m nostalgic for whatever mental awareness I had in 2019.
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