As you can tell by how I’m about to talk about watching Child’s Play 3, I fucking hate myself.
How can I describe the usual combination of thoughts I’m currently waking up with everyday? It’s a recipe of failure, rejection and just an overwhelming intense anger coursing through my fucking veins. The cause of all this I blame on these mother fucking Halloween 2018 posts. It’s just been an overwhelming terrible use of my time and effort I’ve put into 100,000+ words worth the bullshit and as you see, I just can’t find a better or healthier use of my time.
Now granted I’m not filled with enough hatred to snip away at my hair muttering “this is what you did” with tears in my eyes like a girl who not only had a dad molding her into the next Linda Lovelace after work but also finding a Lovecraftian god taking the shape of the clown, but I assure you I’m damn close.
Allow me to give you a peek into how dark the cloud hanging over my head has been. I was called “dummy” recently and I was in such a fucking terrible mood that was enough to snap. I have to imagine my god damn face turned evil like I was Slappy about to say….”WHO YOU CALLIN DUMMY?”
So I responded by picking up a footstool and slamming it into the floor. That wasn’t enough so I stormed off looking for something else to toss and I found this little LED light up pumpkin with Frankenstein’s face carved into it that I bought at Spirit Halloween last year. I fucking whipped that at a nearby wall like a fucking Cuban pitcher with a “maybe this will get me off the god damn island and onto the Yankees” fastball and it went into a million fucking pieces. I should mention on the other side of the wall was my bedroom where a bottle of cologne was on the edge of a nearby shelf. The vibration of the fastball was enough to send this god damn cologne bottle crashing onto the tile floor and SMASH!
Now my god damn bedroom smells like that mother fucking Avon cologne my grandma bought because her dusty “still swooning for Cary Grant” ass thinks this is the type of shit that makes the girls at the Pharmacy wetter than Gene Kelly as he’s singin’ in the rain while they sip on their homemade double scoop vanilla milkshake.
I mopped that up and I collapsed on my goddamn bed with remorse and more hatred for myself. Turns out nobody called me dummy, I just had Sanford and Son on in the background.
That’s not true, someone really did call me dummy. They went out on the porch for a smoke and I closed the door and automatically double locked it. Well they start fucking pounding up a storm while I’m in the bathroom. I’m fucking running to the door piss dripping in my pants fucking embarrassed. They call me dummy and soon guilt turns into fucking rage.
I’m fucking bad about automatically locking doors. I lived with my fucking Cuban Republican aunt years ago in Rockford, Illinois and I used to leave her back door unlocked allllllll the mother fucking time. Well she used to ride my fucking ass about that like a god damn wife on her cuckolded husband with a fucking Mandingo strap on and now it’s just automatic for me to lock a fucking door when I lock it cause this hysterical bitch who freak out about unlocked doors I assume because Fox News told her a black guy is gonna break in and rape her even though she weighs as much as Rikishi and ain’t nobody taking that fucking stinkface.
I’m just plagued with a goddamn level of intensity that can really morph into terrible things if I don’t use it properly. It’s why I saw Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet and fucking fell in love with that movie because honestly I’m Frank Booth…..minus the whole kidnapping and rape thing. I also connected big time with Ace in the Hole because Kirk Douglas plays a version of the type of guy I am, an unfulfilled writer who doesn’t feel like he’s going anywhere but desperate to try and become somebody. Seeing all that overwhelming intensity is all too familiar. When he finally drops dead in at the end of that movie I always think to myself “boy that sure looks peaceful.”
The only thing that really helps me get out all my bad vibes tends to be working out. So after that meltdown I go to the fucking gym and while I’m working out, of course I made a goddamn ass of myself. This really attractive blonde I know came up to me and I think it was pretty fucking obvious I had to spend a good amount of time remembering who the fuck she is. When I usually see her out and about she’s got a good deal of makeup on, killer eye makeup that always makes her look like fucking Liz Taylor in Cleopatra. Don’t need no slaves to get this pyramid up, ok I’ll stop.
So I’m making small talk and trying to play it off like this isn’t like seeing Paul Stanley without the fucking Starchild makeup and I think it was obvious, so after that awkward encounter I had even MORE bad vibes to sweat out.
Two hours plus and I finally start feeling better. A few hours prior and I was like the fucking Wolf Man and following that workout I’m just Larry Tolbot brainstorming the last few hours hoping I didn’t accidentally slit someone’s throat open with my big meaty paws.
So without further rambling/heyhaw with the fuck around gang let’s get to talking about Child’s Play 3, no not Child’s Play 2 because I’m so angry with myself that I can’t find myself worthy of watching the Child’s Play with Gerrit Graham.
Child’s Play 3 is by far one of the most hated films in horror. Every poorly received sequel has had people come around on it. With the way time heals all wounds something like Halloween III: Season of the Witch is seen as redeeming for having Tom Atkins as his normal horny badass self and by far the sweetest child murder in horror.
Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning was burned at the stake repeatedly for not having Jason Voorhees, but as we’ve come to realize how lame and one note the Friday the 13th franchise can be with yet another group of horny pot smoking teens all being shish kebabbed on the same machete, not having Jason stomping around Camp Crystal Lake is a nice change of pace for some.
Hell, there’s even people who at least claim to like Halloween VI with the Cult of Thorn and incest baby. What can I say? The genre’s fandom has hipsters too, they’re not just about vinyl records, PBR and renovating an old neighborhood as a means of pushing black people out.
With all the hot takes and 2nd opinions, I’ve still yet to see someone say anything close to praise for Child’s Play 3, so imagine my surprise when I couldn’t find a single thing wrong with it.
For all the shit it gets, nothing about Child’s Play 3 makes it a film that is so god awful there’s no way a person could ever sit through it. Now granted, if I was binge watching the entire franchise in one night and had just watched the first Child’s Play (god damn masterpiece) a few hours prior, maybe I would consider this film to be a piece of shit like I consider Halloween II to be a travesty when the first one is fresh in my head. But as for a horror film you’re picking up without binging the entire franchise, it’s not that fucking bad.
Jesus goddamn Christ the way people talk about this fucking movie you’d think it was the tape from The Ring and they lost a reliable fuck buddy from it after their parents discovered the corpse in a closet looking like Freddy Krueger sucked the life out of them.
Child’s Play 3 kicks off in a rather badass way. For one, you get to see the melted down corpse of the doll in this cobweb coated factory fucking bleeding as a crane picks it up and the blood drips down into a barrel that’s going to be creating the next line of Good Guy dolls. Pretty fucking metal right? The blood of a serial killer dripping down into a vat of plastic that will soon be made into children’s toys, fuck this could be one hell of a seed for the next King Diamond concept album.
Factory covered in cobwebs, spooooooooooooky!
Still in the introduction part of this film, Chucky fucking kills a rich guy which is something I think we can all cheer for. Seriously with some fat piece of shit currently getting his spray tanned prints all over the Oval Office, there couldn’t be a better time to sit back and take pleasure in watching rich people die.
I actually got relatives who think Trump’s doing a great job just because he ain’t a black guy whose last name rhymes with Osama, and they wonder why I’m not gearing up to travel 9 hours for Thanksgiving in the dead of winter.
So we’re a few years into the future of this franchise and apparently Andy is old enough to masturbate because yes, there’s a shot of the infamous fake porno mag for movies, Playpen in Andy’s bag. Can’t blame him, if you’re a heterosexual male you can only fantasize about the two girls who go to this military school so many times. God could you imagine having to rely on your imagination to masturbate? With any Asa Akira clip at my fingertips it’s hard to imagine such a cruel cruel world.
I suppose this fast forward into the future is what riles up so many horror fans. With Andy now a little older, Alex Vincent aka OG Andy couldn’t be in this film which whoopie fucking doo right? I’ll admit he was really adorable in the first film, the kind of kid you couldn’t wait to shove into an oven if you were a witch who owned her very own gingerbread house but it’s not like you’re replacing Lawrence fucking Olivier. I know this is hard to imagine but the replacement, Justin Whalin somehow successfully took on the role of a child being hunted down by a toy. I know this is a hot take because Andy Barclay is apparently the Willy Loman of our time, but somehow Whalin steps up to the plate.
….honestly he’s better than that goddamn hack Alex Vincent if you ask me. NO! I’m not just saying that because I fucking live and breathe John Waters and Justin Whalin was the kid who got torched by Kathleen Turner at the L7 concert in Serial Mom. Fuck you and your accusations!
So Chucky sends himself to a military academy to get into Andy’s body…well that didn’t sound right. Was it Brad Dourif or Kevin Spacey or voices this character? I can’t remember.
What this dipshit failed to realize before it’s too late is he’s got a brand new body and I guess that resets the voodoo rules because Chucky reveals himself to a new kid, Tyler before he does Andy and now he has to put himself into Tyler’s body. Meanwhile, Andy knows what’s going on and now the task is twice as hard. Maybe that’s why Child’s Play 3 is seen as the dud because Chucky looks like a real fucking moron. He could’ve revealed himself to any kid (once again, sounds VERY inappropriate) and yet he went out of his fucking way to reveal himself to a kid located where a guy who’s killed him twice is hanging out. I mean there’s dumb decisions and then there’s Child’s Play 3 “how the fuck are you even a fucking serial killer” decisions.
By the way, the kid happens to be black which is referenced when Chucky says, I fucking shit you not, “Chucky’s gonna be a bro.” I fucking love that line, one of many reasons why you just can’t pull Don Mancini away from this franchise. I also love that someone in casting apparently saw the ratings that Different Strokes and Webster were pulling in and said “o fuck we need a black kid” because let’s be honest, horror movies can be overwhelmingly Caucasian. I love the genre but goddamn you watch these movies and you fucking wonder sometimes if segregation actually ended. Every now and then you get someone in the Sean Patrick Thomas “token brotha” role but it’s about as rare as a cop not emptying their round on someone failing the Sherwin-Williams Citizen or Criminal Paint Guide. What I’m trying to say is DEATH TO WHITEY! WE GONNA FILL EVERY FUCKING COFFIN WITH A HONKY WHO CROSSES US!
…the fuck am I doing? I’m half white and the Cuban side never taught me to speak Spanish so I wouldn’t be too ethnic and stick out whenever I go undercover at a kl…Trump rally. Sorry for going all Che Guevara on you mother fuckers. Now I feel like Elizabeth Warren when she sings Colors of The Wind on Capitol Hill because her great great great great great grandfather’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate may have snagged a smallpox blanket at the first Thanksgiving.
Here’s one reason why you gotta love this movie, the crazy ass barber. I saw this movie at an early age and this psycho is someone I’ve never forgotten, mainly when he’s ranting about the Romans cutting their hair short so sneaky mother fuckers could tiptoe behind them and give em a Colombian Necktie. There’s also this hilarious scene where this crazy fuck is storming around grabbing kids by the hair and telling them when they gotta get a haircut. I just imagine this dude snorting coke in his little barbershop and then going around this academy calculating when these kids gotta get a haircut to meet the “can’t pull my head back and make my neck look like Kevin Bacon’s in Friday the 13th” standards.
(Spoiler Alert) Dude gets his throat slit, how fitting. A fucking comeuppance like that in the third film. You’re only gonna get that kind of “I actually give a fuck about this franchise” writing from someone hanging around like Don Mancini.
Here’s one reason why I think your traditional horror fans treat this film like it’s an expired fist full of candy corn they just sunk their teeth into, all the guns in this movie.
While horror fans are pretty calm and mild mannered, compared to Star Wars fans who are about as easy to satisfy as Brett Kavanaugh when his sexual partner isn’t a passed out girl who couldn’t possibly notice his small cock that looks like a slightly oversized clit, they’re stereotypically fucking bores and prudes. I know that’s weird to say about a fanbase that can tolerate a decent amount of gore but with these bitchy divas, it has to be presented in just the right way. If it’s a tad too mean spirited, well then it’s just not as acceptable and friendly as for example, a guy in a William Shatner mask who chokes out multiple teenage babysitters in one night.
One way to send a horror fan rushing to their safespace with a life sized huggable plushy Pennywise doll waiting for them is guns in a horror movie. In this movie Chucky doesn’t pop any caps in a mother fucker’s ass but he does switch the ammunition in a paintball game which leads to the William Zabka wannabe, Shelton being shot through the heart like whoever the fuck Bon Jovi was wailing about. Chucky also takes a few pistol rounds to the body. You can stab, claw and mutilate victims any way you want in a horror film…..but when guns come into play, your traditional horror fan tends to pout.
Maybe my last reason for not getting how this movie could be despised like it’s Tomi Lahren after ranting about a black guy who turned down a well paying job holding a lantern on her front yard is the finale of this movie.
People, it takes place in a mother fucking FUNHOUSE! I see horror fans all the time drooling about the 2nd one ending in a toy factory. How the fuck is a haunted funhouse any different, if not better? God dammit I swear to god mother fuckers in a pit stained Evil Dead shirt will find a reason to hate anything!
There’s also a fucking amazing faceslicing scene that goes down in this funhouse that CANNOT BE MISSED! Let me wrap this up because if you’ve stuck around this far, god bless you. DM me your address and I’ll send you a postcard.
My final thoughts about this film are if you don’t like this film, I guaranfuckingtee you’d be saying the same positive shit I had to say for this movie if Scream Factory was giving it a Blu-ray release. If it wasn’t for them, Halloween III would still be seen a bastard child and they’re even getting horror fans to take a second chance on forgotten VHS rentals like Sleepway Camp II and III.
There’s people who have actually paid good money for this shit!
If for whatever reason you have some sort of weird stigma towards this movie, I’m gonna do something that will help you change your mind.
Close your eyes and imagine this film not being part of the Child’s Play franchise. There’s this forgotten horror film about a child who faced off against a killer doll and is now attending military school where the doll has followed him. A prestigious overrated company like Synapse Films or Vinegar Syndrome have just given it a $40 Blu-ray release, $30 if you pre-order it. You’re hearing about it for the first time on Shock Waves and Rob Galluzzo just said it’s such an underappreciated gem. Oh my god, did this just become the most underappreciated film of 1991? I think it did!
As said previously, if you’re going through the franchise in one night, whatever minor shortcomings might be more obvious, but if you’re just reaching for a fun easily watchable horror film, not a goddamn thing in Child’s Play 3 explains the reputation it has.
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