Over the past couple of months I’ve rewatched every Halloween film that features Michael Myers, except 5. It’s probably the least readily available Halloween. It wasn’t available to rent on Amazon annnnnd I may or not have checked free streaming spots. The only way I could’ve watched it was paying $10 for a DVD, which fuck that because I’m already devoting shelf space to a fucking producer’s cut of a certain Halloween film that I can’t stand more than Michael can’t stand a female babysitter trying to get her freak on.
Speaking of which, this is the film that sets up that god awful story and how if Jamie Lloyd thought her life sucked now, wait til a cult brainwashes her uncle into committing incest.
Well just my fucking luck recently, Shudder got three Halloween movies available to stream and one of them happened to be 5, I assume because the rights are cheaper than the mask department’s budget was from Halloween II on. Seriously, how hard is it to duplicate a $5 spray painted William Shatner mask? Pretty tough when you don’t have to pull out something as basic as a hockey mask every year apparently.
When people say H20 was a return to form, I always shake my head thinking about the special effects brought to you by Windows 95.
So I asked around online and of course everybody wanted me to watch this, you pieces of shit can be more sadistic than six year old Michael Myers dressed like Bozo the Clown. After revisiting this film I’ve only seen brief scenes of on AMC every year, what do I think of it now?
One of the nicest things I can say about this movie is it doesn’t get under my skin with stupidity to the point that Halloween VI does and perhaps it even has a little more going for it than Resurrection. It’s hard to say if it’s any better than an entry as boring like Resurrection because Halloween V is as generic as you’d imagine a movie quickly shoved into theaters less than a year after the previous entry to be. This entry in the Halloween franchise feels as generic as a yearly trip to Camp Crystal Lake where yet another team of camp counselors are about to look worse than burnt marshmallows but lacks any of the entertainment that makes Friday the 13th such a rewatchable franchise. Honestly when I look at some of the entries into this franchise it’s crazy how hard they resisted having any fun compared to other horror franchises because while others got wild and crazy, Halloween for the most part became as eventful and thrilling as the blank emotionless stare of Michael Myers.
Hopefully they had a fun time on set.
The Revenge of Michael Myers begins with footage from the most recent entry and there’s nothing that kills a sequel more than showing footage from a previous film that had far more going for it. Halloween 4 is by far the most action packed a Halloween film ever was. It’s one of the rare entries in the Halloween franchise that understood how fun a horror sequel was supposed to be. It makes it all the more agonizing when you’re being reminded of a film that actually caused a release of endorphins compared to an entry that might cause you to sleep into the same year long nap Michael Myers took at this mountain hobo’s pad.
The 4th entry casts a long shadow over this film and one of the ways it does that is reminding you of the shocking climatic ending where Jamie apparently killed her stepmom, no doubt setting up a sequel where she was gonna be a new and improved Bad Seed. Well they completely abandon that to the point that final moment may as well have been a fucking dream Jamie Lloyd had on the morning of November 1st like this is fucking Dallas trying to backpedal after killing a character off. Her stepmom survived and Jamie is in a mental hospital where she doesn’t even speak for the first half of the film.
Jamie’s new friend adds a little bit of life to this fucking movie that’s about as entertaining as a timeshare property meeting.
This is like Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare where I’m asking myself, “Really? This is the best script you had?” It’s all reminiscent of that Family Guy skit where Stephen King very half assed suggests a story about a spooky lamp to his publisher. Nobody gave a fuck about this movie. They wanted to have a Halloween movie in theaters come October 1989 and if it was worse than Microwave Massacre, who fucking cared? It’s just a shame this franchise attracted the only people not doing cocaine at the time because the excitement of 5 is like, “Oh my god I accidentally added another packet of green tea to my morning cup and my brain just couldn’t stop spinning during my morning walk around the neighborhood.”
This one tries to insert some fun with some half cooked Barney Fifes.
One thing that really added fuel to this franchise after they brought Michael Myers back in 1988 was Danielle Harris. Not only her but this incredible unique chemistry she and Ellie Cornell had as stepsisters. Danielle Harris for a majority of this film is a fucking mute falling on her back anytime Michael Myers is eager to pin some human decorations to the wall and Ellie Cornell I wanna say is killed at least twenty minutes in. When she gets a pair of scissors to the forehead it’s equivalent to something taking a pair of scissors to the fucking film reel. Seriously this movie is so fucking generic and boring that Ellie Cornell as Rachel and Tina bring the family dog to Jamie’s hospital room is one of the more appreciated moments of this generic nonsense.
Last film she was climbing onto a roof, falling off of it aaaaaand now easily put away with by a pair of scissors. Ugh this film is starting to make my blood boil like 6 does.
…it’s gonna get a little perverted when I talk about the absolute peak of this movie in terms of thrills but who fucking cares? I think any horror fan can take it. You mother fuckers love Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and I spotted more untrimmed hedges in that one than outside The Overlook Hotel.
The most enjoyment I got out of this terrible movie was Ellie Cornell practically doing a striptease around the house as you wonder when Michael Myers is gonna stab her in the back like his name’s Fredo Corleone. One particular shot has her in the shower and you can see a pretty good outline of a hottie. Next thing you know she’s parading around the house in a towel rolling around while on the phone and you’re always centimeters away from getting a Basic Instinct shot. Then she’s removing the towel to put some clothes on and you’re thinking to yourself, “Holy fuck is Rachel about to show me where babies feed?”
Myers ready to cockblock an audience looking for nudity like Right To Censor. That’s for the WWF Attitude Era fan scrolling through this.
You never do see a shot of her body where a shower curtain or towel isn’t between your eyes and I honestly kinda dig that. This was during an era where horror goddesses like Linnea Quigley, Sybil Danning, Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens were showing every inch of flesh which hey, we should never take for granted because this was the era when if you wanted to see some tits you had to dig into the dumpster for a Playboy……or ya know, actually impress a girl which wasn’t as easily executed as those date raping 80s comedies made it out to look.
With all that said, sometimes less is more.
Sadly this gorgeous woman doing a sexy tease around the house is all this fucking terrible movie had to offer. About an hour in some horny teens in a barnyard get chopped up after petting a family of kittens which was sorta cool I guess but pretty bare bones for what you expect from a fucking sequel.
P.S.- Michael Myers doesn’t harm the kittens but he loves to kill dogs. Myers is a cat loving dude and I announce that’s fucking canon!
Exactly the kind of euphoric joy you only achieve from letting a kitty know you wuv it.
Overall Halloween V is the franchise equivalent of going trick or treating to a house that used to have the greatest decorations and now they scramble at the last minute to toss a couple of Dollar General plastic jack o’lanterns on the porch.
One of many reasons this film fucking sucks. There’s a party going on nearby and Michael has this fucking thing. You think he goes through the party carving people up? Nope. God forbid we get the type of insanity you’re supposed to see by the fifth installment.
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