Last October I wrote a long ass piece where I looked through the Friday the 13th franchise and gave my opinion on all of the films within it. This year, since I happened to rewatch every Halloween film AND there happens to be a new Halloween film that shaped up to be quite the event, I thought I might as well do a similar piece to my Friday the 13th one for this franchise.
So instead of just sitting around and jerking each other off, let’s dive into this franchise film by film!
Halloween
Recommended?: OBVIOUSLY!
How fucking crazy would it be if I started this off by saying the first Halloween is a piece of shit and then later on I’m saying something like Halloween: Resurrection is where they finally got the character right?
Obviously the first Halloween is a gem. Hell it’s a film that learned a few lessons from Black Christmas and then did its very own thing, influencing so much of what came after it. As a horror fan, it’s the most obvious thing to say you like this film.
If you don’t like this movie you better make like Lonnie and GET YOUR ASS AWAY FROM HERE!
Halloween II
Recommended?: Maybe
For me personally I think it depends on how fresh the original Halloween is before you go into watching this movie. Halloween II can be a really good time. The hospital setting on Halloween night is cool, atmospheric and has the makings of a classic folklore story told around the campfire to scare the hell out of children. Plus you have Michael Myers jamming needles into people when he’s getting bored of his blade. This film really has a fun spirit that would certainly be sucked out of it by the time you catch a couple of entries later on that are somewhat nihilist in how empty they are of any entertainment.
If you watch the original Halloween and go straight into this sequel, odds are you might have a bad time. If John Carpenter’s Halloween is fresh in your mind as you go into this one, you can really notice the sudden drop in quality. While I appreciate Michael Myers getting creative with his kills, that and everything else going on in this movie feels like Halloween going from being the most important thing in horror to now attempting to keep up with the next big thing for the genre, Friday the 13th.
I hate the sudden introduction of Laurie Strode being related to Michael Myers and I’m thankful that this necessity for everybody in a movie to be related is dying out. I’m willing to recognize though that this was the stupid trend of its time post-The Empire Strikes back similar to how now every film feels it’s fucking necessary to have a shared universe.
The thing I hate most about this movie is when things proceed to the parking lot. Multiple times you have characters making it to the parking lot only to go back into the hospital as if this hospital is located in the middle of the desert 50 miles away from civilization. Everybody in Haddonfield is wide awake freaking the fuck out about dead teenagers and all you would have to do is run five feet into the town square and you’d be safe but guess what? They never fucking do it. They run right back into the hospital with a fucking psychopath who survived six close range shots. Fucking dumbasses.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch
Recommended?: Yes
Man this film has had a fucking journey. At one time I think it would be common for people to consider this the worst installment in the Halloween franchise, yes even below Resurrection. Then Scream Factory put out a nice Blu-ray edition of this film and everybody realized the error of their ways. This revised opinion I think also helped put Scream Factory on the map as this wonderful company who resurrects forgotten or scorned horror films of the past. Bless them.
Halloween III is a good time and arguably the best Halloween film to put on in terms of getting into the Halloween season. Halloween masks that will be used to kill children on Halloween night? Tom Atkins as a boozy doctor all the ladies wanna fuck? How did anybody hate this film in the first place?
It’s a shame John Carpenter and Debra Hill’s idea of putting a new Halloween film out every year that told a new seasonal horror story didn’t pan out and this franchise went back to Michael Myers. Ah Americans, we’re so predictable and boring.
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
Recommended: Yes
The Halloween franchise is something I’d probably view as being lesser than Friday the 13th or A Nightmare on Elm Street and I think that’s because the franchise failed to pump out a new installment yearly during the 1980s which we now consider a golden age for horror. The franchise really lacks a sense of fun and I have to assume that’s because they weren’t pumping out a new film every year in a decade when everybody was having a good time doing lines of coke in the writer’s room. Thankfully Halloween 4 did happen to come out during this golden age and it shows because it’s possibly the most rewatchable Halloween.
The introduction of Danielle Harris into this franchise is a welcoming presence and everybody around her is an entertaining character we hate to see killed off. On top of that in terms of the script, Michael Myers has never been more of a physical brute. He’s clearing out a police station and climbing on top of moving trucks. This is possibly the most fun a Halloween film ever had and sadly there would never be a Halloween film after it that wanted to be this playful and fun. As we’ll see later on, things got quite boring and serious.
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
Recommended?: Nope
I wasn’t planning on watching this film because for a period of time the only way it was available was if I ordered a $10 DVD on Amazon. I don’t get paid for this shit which means I can’t get my money back during tax season which means I wasn’t going to waste my time watching something that was always a drag whenever I caught it on AMC during October.
Well fucking Shudder, obviously aware I was going through all the Halloweens and in the mood to punish me for having the audacity to write 4,000 words on The Last Drive In this past summer recently made it available for streaming and the people demanded I complete my viewing experience.
This movie is so fucking bland and boring. Seriously when I look at some of the entries in the Halloween franchise I wanna tell the producers, “You know sequels are supposed to be fun right? There needs to be a reason for people to walk into the theater opening weekend.” At points this franchise was always close to becoming as boring and pointless as the Hellraiser franchise.
Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers
Recommended?: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT!
Holy shit this movie is a god damn dumpster fire and anybody who likes it is out of their fucking minds. Keep in mind, I am talking about this Producer’s Cut that allegedly fixes this movie. Spoiler alert, inserting a bunch of deep voices that say “kill Danny” doesn’t fix this horrid piece of shit that couldn’t even land a Golden Raspberry nomination because it’s too prestigious of an award for something this piss poor.
I don’t know how you fuck up the concept of a cult that worships Michael Myers and gives him his immortality but somehow this film does. As an idea, The Cult of Thorn could’ve been a genius idea but the way they’re used in this film is so boring and stupid. I’m just thinking about multiple 70s satanic cult movies right now and wondering to myself how you can fuck up such a thing. This film does it though.
Perhaps this is a bit mean but bad child acting can really harm a film. With that in mind to go from someone as great as Danielle Harris to a film that wants you to be concerned about Devin Gardner’s Danny is asking way too much. I was more concerned about the life of Barry Sims than this fucking kid.
I don’t even wanna get into how awful Paul Rudd’s debut film performance attempt as a crazy kid is. At one point he’s running away hunched over like he’s going off to ring the church bells.
We live in a world where there are people who think Rob Zombie bastardized the Halloween franchise by making Michael Myers white trash but champion a film where Michael Myers impregnates his niece. No wonder people outside the genre look at the fans and consider horror to be too fucking stupid to respect.
Halloween H20
Recommended?: The last 30 minutes yes
Halloween H20 is considered a return to form for good reason, 5 and 6 are horrid stinkers and after those abominations they somehow talked Jamie Lee Curtis into coming back to the Halloween franchise.
The opening of this film is pretty great with Mr. Sandman from the second film and Joseph Gordon Levitt taking an ice skate to the face, and then the film becomes something that’s stalls the audience until the actual movie kicks into full effect. In this entry Laurie Strode is a PTSD ridden alcoholic. It’s obvious these are her character traits because that’s the 38 year old version of an 18 year old mousy virgin whose biggest concerns before a murderous psychopath comes to town was forgetting her books in her locker. It’s all a very dull way to pass time before the actual events of this movie begin to take place.
I’d recommend that the best place to begin this movie is when Laurie Strode destroys the front gate, locking herself in with Michael Myers and it becomes a 1 on 1 showdown. From then on, it’s a movie. Prior to that, it’s a complete jerk around of this film somewhat trying to duplicate the teen formula that everybody was borrowing from Scream at the time.
Halloween: Resurrection
Recommended?: No
While I don’t find this film to be as offensively terrible as The Curse of Michael Myers, Halloween: Resurrection is an entry that shouldn’t even be considered a movie.
This film begins with the god awful introduction of killing off the most important character to this franchise and leaving you with the most boring characters I’ve seen in a horror film. Sean Patrick Thomas really likes cooking. Ah yeah his ability to spot out fresh spices in a kitchen will certainly get me invested into whether or not he lives, jesus fucking christ.
The final girl of this movie just might be the most boring final girl in a mainstream horror film. You don’t root for her to make it out alive and you couldn’t even be bothered with cheering Michael Myers on to kill her, it’s all a dull waste of time.
I just can’t wait for hipsters to try and come across as unique by writing pieces in the future about how this film is an underrated look at how much people are willing to risk for fame and how it predicted the rise of YouTube personalities.
Rob Zombie’s Halloween
Recommended?: Yes
People give Rob Zombie a lot of shit for these remakes but the truth is the Halloween remake is the best thing this franchise has had going for it since 1988. It’s a return to form in a more successful fashion than Halloween H20 and has quite a bit going for it.
I personally enjoy all the stuff focusing on Michael Myers as a child. It’s great this film has something different to offer since this is something we’ve never really seen before. I think the interactions this kid and Malcolm McDowell have are rather unique and I love the winding descent to Michael Myers becoming a mute who never takes off his masks. The grainy black and white footage with Malcolm McDowell providing narration is an excellent touch.
Even as an avid Rob Zombie fan I have to agree that this remake is his weakest moment as a director. Once we proceed to the current day, it almost becomes a shot for shot remake of John Carpenter’s Halloween to the point we even see The Thing from Another World playing on the television. A very poor decision.
At the same time, this is a Halloween film where Michael Myers is scarier than he’s been in a very long time. This character is now played by 6’8″ Tyler Mane and this direction really causes the goosebumps to spread across your flesh again. A moment that sticks out in my head is when Pat Skipper is standing on the porch and Michael Myers charges at him, sticking the knife through his side and shoves him into the house.
You may not feel Rob Zombie lives up to what John Carpenter achieved in 1978, but you’d be too biased to disagree this is the best Michael Myers has looked since 1988.
Rob Zombie’s Halloween II
Recommended?: Yes
Perhaps I’m a little biased as a Zombie fan but even with this film obviously suffering from a case of sequel fatigue, there is still some redeemable things in this film that are far redeeming than some other Halloween installments.
I enjoy the White Horse addition in this film due to Michael Myers’ battered and bruised psycho brain having a flashback to a childhood memory and now he’s convinced his mother is telling him a family reunion is in order. I absolutely love the display of gore in this movie. I mean holy fuck at one point Michael Myers fucking curb stomps a dude to death and the result looks like someone dipped him head first in a barrel of acid. The physically of Michael Myers in this one is by far the most you’ve seen from Michael Myers in front of the camera up until that point.
What keeps this from being a fully enjoyable film to see or revisit is the repetitive jump scares, a type of scare that’s already a nuisance to begin with. So much of this film involves either Michael Myers suddenly attacking someone from behind as the camera shakes and scary music plays or him suddenly tearing through a door after a moment of silence. It’s a real sign that Rob Zombie wasn’t fully on board for this film and was looking forward to the day Michael Myers was in his rearview mirror.
Halloween (2018)
Recommended?: WOO WOO WOO YOU KNOW IT!
This reboot/sequel hybrid is probably one of the strongest resurrections a franchise has ever had. With this and the Rob Zombie reboots, Halloween is a brand that really knew how to make a comeback.
I really loved the brutality of Michael Myers in this film. The gory mayhem of this movie really captures a fucking psychopath who’s had nothing to do for 40 years other than think about how he’d kill people. Combined with that you also get an awesome mixture of humor that’s always been missing in this franchise. I assume that’s all Danny McBride’s doing and he deserves all the credit in the world for lightening up a franchise that always had a fucking stick jammed up its ass while at the same time making Michael Myers someone to fear again.
You also have Jamie Lee Curtis killing it but what’s new about that? She’s always been a reliable name who always brings her A game.
A fucking home run that lives up to this franchise’s legacy.
Alright and to wrap things up I’m going to to rank every Halloween film from best to worst based on my personal taste. Keep in mind this could change any day because maybe I rewatch Halloween III on the 31st and switch it with the reboot/sequel, maybe I figure out a spot worse than last place for that goddamn Cult of Thorn horseshit.
Halloween
Halloween (2018)
Halloween III: Season of the Witch
Halloween 4
Halloween 2
Rob Zombie’s Halloween
Rob Zombie’s Halloween II
Halloween H20
Halloween 5
Halloween: Resurrection
Halloween 6 (any cut of that fucking awful movie)
Have a Happy Halloween everybody! May you not be stabbed to death while trying to get laid and may your Halloween costume not become a portal for bugs from another dimension.
It's Emilio Amaro's Blog 