Impress Your Crush In Four Easy Steps!

Love is tough. One of the most difficult things we face in life is finding that other half of ourselves, that other person that equates to our happily ever after.

You may not believe this, but at one point in my life I had difficulties finding true love. Sure sure, it’s hard to imagine a blogger with 17 followers having difficulties finding a woman. People after reading my posts imagine that my bedroom is just a nightly Eyes Wide Shut party and I’m just ejaculating on multiple women in masquerade masks…..but this is not the case.

The reality is my wrist hurts from how much I used to suffer from the woes of being single. My masturbatory adventures were more excessive than Ray McKigney, the fictional hand model whose romance with his own hand was detailed on The Puffy Shirt episode of Seinfeld.

For what seems like a never-ending amount of time I struggled to figure out a successful way of connecting with women. I tried everything. Even Mystery, the greatest pick up artist….you know the guy with black fingernail paint and steampunk goggles who had his own reality show on VH1 like 12 years ago even thought I was hopeless.



…it wasn’t until I re-watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 that I realized the way to get any cute girl to be mine 🙂

  1. First you’ll have to bludgeon the male closest to her. This could be a friend, boyfriend or even her father. Take a hammer and cave the man’s head in. The slower the better. This process begins the assertion of dominance and displays to the female that you’re the true alpha male. After the loss of the male she was closest to, she’ll begin to notice how cute you are even if you are caked in the blood and brains of someone she cared about.


2. Next you will have to carve off the face of the male victim like a mask. This will take some practice so before going through with this be sure to kill bad people and practice carving their flesh off into a wearable mask. An example of weeding out the weak would be going into a grocery store and waiting in the parking lot for someone who just purchased Totino’s Pizza. If they’re making frozen pizza choices like that, they aren’t exactly valuing their lives now are they?



3.  After you carve the male victim’s face off, place it onto the girl’s face and make her wear it, this will complete the ritual of asserting your dominance and make the girl realize you are the most alpha of alpha males.


4. Dance around with her as she bawls hysterically caked in blood from her new flesh mask. Twirl her around so the motion sickness distracts her from her loss and awakens her to her happily ever after with you.

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And that’s how you find true love in four simple steps!

I’ve done this tactic twice. The first girl I did it with provided love and happiness until in under a year she snapped mentally and had to be put into a mental asylum. I’m told that besides urinating on the floor and doing the mashed potato dance in her piss puddle while singing Walking in the Rain by The Ronnettes she’s doing ok.

The second girl I’ve done this tactic with I’m happy to report we’ve been together for several years now. Other than the occasional moment where she attempts to escape and I have to hunt her down and chop up whoever picked her up on the side of the road and make her wear a mask of their flesh as we ballroom dance to You Were Meant For Me from the musical Singin In The Rain, we’re quite happy together but any couple who’s been together this long has bad days.


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