I had just finished making passionate love to my tube-sock lodged under my bed mattress while looking at Salvador Dali paintings and listening to Christopher Cross when I decided to go outside and enjoy a candy cigarette. I’m down to half a pack.
As I was enjoying what could possibly give me sugar cancer, I looked up at the moon and saw Bono’s face inside of it. I noted he was wearing his purple tinted sunglasses tonight.
“Emilio…….you must go out and avenge your fellow Irish man. Go out and bring me a sacrifice……”
I looked up at the Bono moon in confusion.
“I’m not even Irish Bono…..”
“Go out……get it done……”
Sure I wasn’t Irish, but I recalled seeing The Boondock Saints as a teenager which I felt was close enough.
I waited in the parking lot of a local bar until a woman walked alone to her car. As I slowly approached her with sharp pointy fangs I had won at a recent Fright Night convention (first prize was a night in a motel room with Stephen Geoffreys, I’ve gotten over the loss) I noticed that a friend was slowly approaching her as well. He approached her with an acoustic guitar and smashed her over the head with it, before the guitar connected I saw on the back were the words DON’T PISS ME OFF!
“James? What the hell are you doing here?”
He looked at me with a blank face of indifference.
“You take this girl and sacrifice her in the traditional Irish fashion. I’ll find another.”
After stating this he began sniffing at the air like a werewolf high on poppers.
“I smell Victoria’s Secret Cotton Candy body spray, I must go spill blood and make Bono proud.”
“Here take these….”
I took off my fangs and tossed them at him. They went directly into his mouth and popped into place. After noticing he know had fangs, I was horrified to watch as he then quickly applied blackface to his face and body.
“I’m Blacula and I’m about to suck the blood outta some bitch ass honky!”
He then turned into a bat as P-Funk by Parliament played from an unknown location as I wondered what in the fuck was happening.
After placing the girl in the trunk I turned on the radio and for the rest of my journey home listened to a radio DJ describe in detail the time he did acid and was transported into the duck world from Howard the Duck and lost his virginity to the topless female duck in the bathtub.
After lying the girl down in my bedroom I was unsure of what to do until I looked at the clock and saw that it was officially Sunday. Without further notice, I slit my wrist and rubbed it across my chest and stomach. I then tucked in my massive penis between my leg and danced around the girl’s unconscious body as I played a vinyl record with Sunday Bloody Sunday on it backwards.
As the record came to a conclusion, the girl came to and saw me with my wiener tucked in and smeared in blood and began to scream.
Just then, Lucky the Leprechaun rushed into my bedroom and leapt on top of the girl, shoving fistful of Lucky Charm marshmallows into her mouth. He then punched the girl and she was once again unconscious.
“Our lord and savior Sean Connery says every girl enjoys a soft rape, wanna spread her legs and give her a smooth in out in out?” he said, waving her eyebrows like Groucho Marx.
I shook my head.
“Alright then let’s begin!”
We ripped open the girl’s stomach and began to fist upon the girl’s organs as she regained consciousness only to scream in pain as she died. As our tummies were full of insides, we heard bagpipes in the distance.
“All is said and done. McGregor will get his rematch against Mayweather in a game of Monopoly and avenge the Irish!”
I looked at Lucky the Leprechaun in confusion and he just looked at me with a rather confident smirk.
“McGregor always buys up all of the least valuable properties just after GO and puts all the hotels on them. If he can he always buys up all of the third most valuable properties and puts as many houses and possibly hotels on them. It’s the secret combination that wins every Monopoly game.”
Currently, Lucky and I are watching Sean Connery’s last film as James Bond, Never Say Never Again drinking double whiskeys, celebrating the completion of the Irish ritual.