Throwback Thursday Story: Jehovah’s Witness Zombies

Sandra sat near the headstone thinking about all the good times she had with her boyfriend Mike. They had such wonderful times going out to movies, fishing on private property and having unprotected sex. Ever since Mike drove off that unfinished bridge attempting to do a Dukes of Hazard stunt, Sandra had been at a loss when it came to getting on with her life.

Mike was everything a preppy girl who listened to country music in an attempt to fit into a blue collar town could want. Mike had muscles, always seemed to wear sleeveless shirts and had a five o’ clock shadow at all times. He always looked like he just got back from doing construction and those were the types of guys Sandra would see in videos on CMT. A guy like this along with a girl who wore hoodies supporting the high school football team, a camo hat and kept her skin tanner than anybody in Mexico thirty hundred and sixty five days a year made them the quintessential white collar disguised as blue collar wannabes of their little community.

“O Michael, how I long for the days when we would sit in the back of the pickup truck your father bought you for your sixteenth birthday and listen to Luke Bryan or Blake Shelton.”

Sandra rubbed her hand over Mike’s grave and thought about the times they had sex in the mud after driving ATVs for hours. She hoped to find a new guy to do such activities with because Sandra had become incredibly horny without Mike to please her and masturbation was a no no on Jesus’ chalkboard of rules.

“Well Mike I better get going. I’ve got a tanning session booked and the lady at the place said that if I’m not risking skin cancer then I won’t stay popular.”

As she was getting up to leave, Sandra heard a crunching sound. She looked two graves over from Mike’s and saw a hand coming up. She couldn’t believe her eyes. It was more amazing than the time she saw Mike shotgun a Busch beer. The hand was pulling at the earth, making room for its head to stick out.

It was a decayed corpse with tiny pieces of flesh dangling from the skull. There were bits of hair at the top and no eyeballs. Maggots crawled through the sockets. Sandra noticed this when the skeletal corpse looked her way. She fell back on her ass and began to back away.

Sandra backed away in the direction of her car, but was stopped when the ground behind her exploded and two hands popped through. Sandra felt the bony fingers slide across her back and her heart flip flopped in her chest, feeling like a cold earthworm squirming through her body. Her stomach was twisted like a drenched towel and she almost threw up.

After squirming away from the hands, Sandra got to her feet and ran to her car. She felt her hands touch the door handle when something wrapped around her wrists. She looked down and saw that it was tree branches wrapped around her like rope. She looked up at the giant oak tree in confusion just before she felt branches wrap around her ankles and pull her away from her car.

She was tied up in front of the cemetery as the group of zombies advanced toward her. Sandra shook but the tree had an iron grip around her. The branches were far too strong to snap. One of the zombies was so close to her now that she could smell the earthy soil pouring out of his body and the decay mixed with formaldehyde could only be described as a cologne scent made by the creators of Bertie Bott’s Flavor Beans. The zombie raised one of its hands and knocked on Sandra’s forehead, as if it was a door.  The zombie took a couple steps back and seemed to be awaiting a reply. Sandra looked confused and then finally spit something out.


“Have you heard about Jehovah?” said the zombie. He spoke slowly like every syllable was a struggle. While he talked his jawbones creaked like a car door in need of WD-40.

Sandra replayed what she just heard over and over in her head. She had a hard time believing it.

“O god. You’re….you’re…’re……..JEHOVAH’S WITNESS ZOMBIES!!!”





Daniel walked into his cemetery like he always did late in the afternoon just before sunset to check on the graves. Sometimes teens got their rocks off by defiling a grave and he always hoped to be there while they did. One time he was and got to suplex a young boy and watched with joy as his body went flying and his back connected right on a grave. Another time he gave a boy a piledriver on a tombstone which broke the boy’s neck and killed him.

It was on that day that Daniel learned that The Undertaker actually had his knees hit the ring apron instead of the guy’s head during his signature move.

Before entering the cemetery, Daniel pulled out his flask and took a hefty sip. Inside the flask was the Revive flavor of Vitamin Water.

Daniel walked through the cemetery and didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. A few of the graves looked like they had been freshly covered which he found a bit odd but ignored. It was when he got to the large oak tree that he noticed things were odd. A blonde tan teenager was tied by tree branches with her clothing ripped to shreds. Her pants and panties were slightly pulled down and Daniel saw that lodged up in her vagina was a Watch Tower pamphlet.

“O god dammit! You know you guys I’m getting really sick and tired of finding the corpse of a teenage girl with a Watch Tower pamphlet up her vagina.”

The zombies muttered a sorry that went through the cemetery like an eerie gust of wind.

“Yeah well if you were sorry you wouldn’t have done it.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s