Scary Movies To Watch In The Dark #22: The Ring (2002)

 

No matter how much I go into detail about The Ring, I don’t think you’ll ever comprehend how much I hate this film. Nothing in this film is semi-frightening.

Part of me feels broken or that there’s a piece missing as I watched The Ring. At the time it was released, a majority of people apparently liked this movie or at least pretended to enjoy this dull movie. Is there something I’m missing? Apparently not because right after this painfully boring film and a few other Japanese horror remakes were made, American audiences went into a completely different direction when every horror movie suddenly feature galloons of blood and the most sadistic torturous murders the genre had seen. I have to believe the desire for what became defined as torture porn was from the brief J horror trend that was so boring and pretentious.

The best way to being with why I hate and despise the American remake of The Ring is that it only exists to appeal to pretentious hipsters or people who feel as if they’re superior in intelligence because they can sit through and pretend to enjoy something so boring. Whenever I look for reasons why people actually think this movie is worth sitting through I always hear some bullshit about how The Ring uses dread and visuals over excess gore.

Well, the only dread I felt watching The Ring was how the two hour running time felt more like four hours and the visuals in this film are either over the top and comically bleak in the way only a 2002 horror film can be. As for the cursed videotape, those visuals felt like a director who watched Mulholland Drive and was compelled to do something as weird but is nowhere near as talented as David Lynch.

The fact that a film as boring and bland as The Ring could get so many positive reviews is all the evidence I need to know most film critics don’t know anything about horror. The Ring feels more like another generic Nancy Drew mystery than a horror film.

The genre of horror is supposed to be cool and rebellious but unfortunately because of Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining (a great horror film), there is a group of the most boring and pretentious “intellectuals” who believe they know what a horror film should be, which tends to be something that is about as appealing as sitting through Andy Kaufman reading The Great Gatsby.

The tone for The Ring is truly set at the beginning of the film with an opening that feels inspired by Scream. The scene builds and builds and you imagine something cool is about to take place but all that happens is that a girl opens a bedroom door and her face morphs into 2002 spooky CGI death face. It was at this moment that I should’ve taken the DVD out and watched more of the new season of Twin Peaks, but I watched The Ring all the way through which gives you an idea at how little I value my time.

Most of The Ring feels like a film that is lost in translation. Multiple moments in the film feel like they’re supposed to be something that’s scary but just before something frightening happens we cut to the next scene. The girl from the tape in this film is not frightening but I can see something about her is frightening to the Japanese. Personally, she’s about as frightening as any child who shows up on your doorstep on Halloween in cheap ghoul makeup they purchased at Dollar General.

The only positive thing I can say about The Ring is how much of a time capsule it is for the year 2002. I was somewhat amused by all of the dark colors and bleak look that reminded me of a Korn or Limp Bizkit music video. Other than that, The Ring is a horrible film that lives on solely because pretentious critics and viewers who feel that The Shining and Rosemary’s Baby are the only horror films that matter want you to believe that The Ring is watchable.

Recently a sequel to this film was released and got a six percent on Rotten Tomatoes so I have to end this review by pointing out the fact it seems that movie critics have come to their senses and realized that just because The Ring is boring in the most agonizing way imaginable that fills you with dread due to the time you’re wasting watching it doesn’t exactly make it a great horror film.

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