Scary Movies To Watch In The Dark #5: The Mummy

I wasn’t interested in seeing The Mummy until I began seeing the negative and sometimes comical and over the top reviews. When I realized that this film scored thirty percent lower than The Mummy Returns which without a doubt the worst moment in CGI history I’ve ever seen on screen, I knew I had to see this new version of The Mummy.

Even at the age of eight, I shook my head in disgust at this.


I went into this movie hoping to experience something critics didn’t or perhaps didn’t want to. On the drive to theater I had Curse Of The Mummy’s Hand by Misfits on repeat.

The Mummy starts off somewhat strong. This woman who eventually becomes our monster is within the first few minutes of the film slitting a baby’s throat, the camera focuses on her look of anger as she does it and blood sprays her face. Pretty strong choice for a tent-pole film that is looking to kick off a profitable cinematic universe. Might as well give credit where credit is due before I began attempting to list all the negative parts of this film.

At its very best, The Mummy is a decent Tom Cruise film with a spin of horror added to it. I think most people would agree every Tom Cruise movie is the same. He’s a guy with some sort of military, action hero badass background, stuff is blown up and destroyed, and there’s a hot girl Tom Cruise is standing on crates next to in order to create the illusion that he’s taller than five foot seven.

If you’re interested in a mediocre film that would be better titled Tom Cruise Meets The Mummy, check it out. Preferably with an early bird discount. I saw this on my theater’s discount day and paid less than six bucks.

At its very worst and the main issue with this film is that it’s a 125 million dollar action film that wants to be a cool B movie horror film. There’s one brief moment where Tom Cruise is swimming as fast as he can but slowly away from mummies chasing him underwater. It’s the kind of over the top, Indiana Jones hiding in a refrigerator to survive an atomic bomb test that has the potential to become a meme. One would think this is played for comedy, but sadly it’s not. The guy who wrote this script is currently working on a Bride of Frankenstein remake and described the script as brilliant.

Well if someone is going to blow smoke up your own ass, who better than yourself?

At one point Tom Cruise says to the mummy “I just don’t see us working out….and it’s not me…’s you.” This I think was supposed to be the humorous moment.

One of the first negative reviews I read for The Mummy is that the critic paid full attention to the film and could not tell you a single thing about the plot. I have to agree with this. The Mummy is impressive in that it spoon feeds its plot to the audience, overly explaining everything in dialogue that is similar to the least charismatic teacher you can imagine from middle school or high school and yet, you still find yourself wondering what’s happening.

Obviously this is because the plot is meaningless and all the filmmakers cared about was how the action scenes looked. You’d think 125 million dollars would earn you a better script but I guess not since The Mummy is about as easy to follow as Sleepaway Camp or The Wizard Of Gore.

Another weird aspect of The Mummy is its attempt at humor. Tom Cruise is playing the type of lovable asshole that Bruce Campbell has played countless times in horror movies, a guy who is comically insecure about his sexual performance and accidentally wakes up a mummy. It’s just another weird moment of something you see all the time in low budget horror films being pumped into this 125 million dollar action film.

Or if you look at it from an action film perspective, it’s Tom Cruise trying to play the type of characters that propelled Chris Pratt into stardom, this cool guy with a goofball side to him.

The Mummy also attempts dark humor with Jake Johnson playing Tom Cruise’s deceased from explaining the mummy’s curse and how he’ll never escape it.

Yes, John Landis should be receiving royalties for this severe plagiarism. Unlike American Werewolf In London, instead of seeing someone like the genius Rick Baker doing makeup and props, it’s just a crew of unimaginative individuals at a computer. Another issue with The Mummy is a majority of it is just actors and actresses reacting to things that aren’t really there or pretending to be wearing makeup that is digitally added to their performance. In a genre known for amazing props and makeup, this use of CGI for even the most simple of tasks is disheartening.

One thing I did enjoy from The Mummy was Russell Crowe’s performance as the infamous Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. In this film you actually get to see him become Eddie Hyde and when he’s beating the shit out of Tom Cruise, it’s quite entertaining. Worth a view when that makes it to YouTube. While I think the Dark Universe will be a majority of lackluster action films, I do look forward to their Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde film.

I’ll always take a chance on Russell Crowe.

SPOILER ALERT: By the end of the film, Tom Cruise becomes a mummy and like the rest of the this movie, we get dialogue where nothing is left to the imagination as Russell Crowe makes sure everybody knows how Tom Cruise will return for an Avengers knockoff film with a bunch of good monsters fighting a really bad monster.

Overall, The Mummy is a popcorn film to pass the time. I’d like to be nice, but the incredibly low reviews are right. If you’re looking for a meaningless film, sometime to do other than scroll through Facebook or Twitter, check out The Mummy. If you need something to play in the background while you get lucky, sure put it on.

Simply put, a 125 million dollar action film can’t also be a B movie horror film.

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