Britney Spears’s E-Mail My Heart: One Weird and Obscure Ballad

The first three tracks on …Baby One More Time are Hit Me Baby One More Time, You Drive Me Crazy and Sometimes. All of which are singles that became music videos teenagers screaming loudly about in Times Square, deafening Carson Daly when he would announce when these songs were the #1 video of the day on Total Request Live. How this man didn’t completely lose his hearing during the heyday of Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC and Britney Spears is beyond me.

Past these three songs, the rest of the tracks on Britney’s debut album are rather obscure and not all that notable. Out of all the B side tracks, E-Mail My Heart sticks out as the most bizarre.

First off, it’s weird to me that this song was recorded right before You’ve Got Mail came out and it wasn’t for the You’ve Got Mail soundtrack, and I bet whoever wrote this song wasn’t even aware of the film. When you look at the You’ve Got Mail soundtrack, it’s obvious this song wasn’t made for this movie, fucking Bobby Darin is on it. I’d imagine if the retirement home residents who watch Tom Hanks’s movies were to hear a Britney Spears song, they would’ve suffered heart attacks at the shock of hearing a song from the last twenty five years.

It’s weird how the combination of love and e-mail was a thing at the time. Apparently people were willing to gamble on how e-mail would continue to be essential, which I guess if you’re from that generation and behind the times it is. When people tell me they e-mailed me I just stare at them in confusion wondering what they fucking my e-mail is, something other than a landfill of 70,000 unread messages?

E-Mail My Heart begins with a piano intro that sounds like the intro to Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue and the lyrics are a bubblegum pop writer’s version of Nothing Compares 2 U. It’s about a girl who’s sitting in front of her computer waiting for an ex-boyfriend to e-mail her back. Keep in mind this song about a girl wasting her life in front of a computer was recorded in 1998 and made it onto an album released in 1999 so when lame nostalgic pieces of shit in their 30s and 40s try to sell you on the idea that they were soooooo enlightened because they didn’t waste their time on the internet and actually went out and did shit, remember that they’re lying and not being truthful about how much time they wasted on AOL.

As you see I cannot stand people who think they’re the second coming of Christ because they were in their teens and twenties before cell phones took over. So instead of mindlessly scrolling through Facebook or doing a random wormhole Google search you instead just stared at a wall? O wow Plato can I kneel before you as you share all your enlightened ideas that flowed through the river of your mind as you had nothing to do but watch the second hand going round and round on the clock?

Pieces of shit.

Yeah and I just can’t wait for my generation to be just as pathetic.

“O these kids today, when we were young all we needed were Cat In The Hat memes to be entertained.”

In the song E-Mail My Heart, Britney Spears mentions that she sent a picture to her boyfriend of them together. Thinking back on how awful the internet was at the time I can’t help imagining how long the process of uploading a picture took. I like to imagine this picture almost ready to be sent and then Britney’s mother picks up the house phone, fucking everything up and Britney gets so pissed she wraps the corded phone around her mother’s throat.

This song makes me wish that there were more songs about love mixed with whatever was relevant only during the time period. First thing that comes to mind would be a Pussycat Dolls or Danity Kane song about how they realized their guy was breaking up with them when they saw they’re no longer in his Myspace Top Eight. Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry… still have time to record a song titled Broke My Heart In 140 Characters Or Less.

Give this song a listen and bathe your earbuds in the weird and obscure ballad that is E-Mail My Heart.




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