This could come back to haunt me but I decided to start writing about the god awful videos currently trending on YouTube. I thought this might be a good idea since it’s easier for me to write about things that are horrible and what content generator creates more rotten tomatoes than YouTube? The home of lame white guys commenting as they play their favorite video games, slowly dying alone in their bedroom.
YouTube is Mystery Science Theater 3000 but if all the directors were suburban high schoolers who think they’re comedians and hey, if Amy Schumer can convince people she is they might as well too.
And what better place to start with than Logan Paul? A twenty two year old who knows nothing about comedy and humor and thankfully neither does his audience made up of middle schoolers and women/gay men who laugh just because they find him fuckable. The one good thing about Brock Turner’s muscular twin brother is he’s stolen Dane Cook’s douchy fanbase. In fact, last I heard Dane Cook spends most of his days doing bicep curls in his garage, glaring at a framed Good Luck Chuck poster praying to God he’ll find a time machine that takes him back to 2006.
Now back to this terrible bullshit that I assume millennials consider camp or so bad it’s good.
So this is not just any Logan Paul video. It’s actually a music video he did with a boy band that I assume are the ones filling the spot One Direction left behind after growing their first pubic hairs. The group, Why Don’t We are so white they look like they were created in a Boys From Brazil lab using the sperm of Richard Spencer and David Duke. The song is about a guy fed up with how long his girlfriend takes shopping and picking out a place to eat. If you’re wishing for this guy’s failure and fame to end, you’re in luck because if he’s twenty two and already resorting to “Girls take forever to get ready!” it won’t be long before he’s in a comedy club for ten bored drunk people as Logan is on stage saying “So what’s the deal with airline food? Here, take my wife please!” while nervously laughing at his own material and then crying hysterically, perhaps followed by a Michael Richards meltdown.
There’s lyrics in the song such as Girl I ain’t no Scooby Doo, so that gives you an idea at how agonizing the three minutes and twenty five seconds of this video are. At points in the video, Logan is dressed like a Minion in case you weren’t already aware his videos are only watched by children in a submissive Christian household who are only allowed to watch content their parents laugh at.
The video also comes with a link to purchase this song. In a perfect world, a hack would have rigged up some sort of virus so when people actually use money towards this song their phone explodes sending them up in flames to die a very slow and painful death.
Eh, a boy can dream right?
I’ll finish up by saying this, if I had a child who fell into a downward spiral of drug use I would do whatever it took to get them off of drugs. If they sobered up and their new drug was binge watching Logan Paul videos, I’d tie a belt around their arm and tell them for the next two weeks their relapse fixes are on the house!