Katy Perry’s SNL Performance and Why I Wish I Could Get An Apartment With Chris Cornell Right Now

Katy Perry performed on SNL last night and everybody who was sad and pathetic enough to stay home and watch it live were tweeting all about it.

It seems that ever since Miley Cyrus has gotten bored using black culture as a means of giving her career much needed CPR and has returned to appealing to “country girls” who use their parent’s credit card for designer flannel, Daisy Dukes and camo, Katy Perry has borrowed her low cut lesbian bad girl haircut and is the new boring suburban white girl who acts out and surrounds herself with black people to make herself look far more interesting than she actually is.

The first song she performed last night was called Swish Swish, a title that suggest she’s aware that most of her fans are unable to read past a third grade level. She wore a large black and white stripped dress and has a whistle around her neck so people are aware she’s not attempting to look like a midlife crisis Bettlejuice. There’s a group of “freaks” performing behind her, a large majority of them being drag queens who have pretty much become the new gay best friend in pop culture. Ever since Rupaul’s Drag Race has taken off, straight performers and CEOs are borrowing and stealing from their world whether it be outlandish lip syncing performances (Lip Sync Battle) or using them in their entertainment brand to add some new life to their boring vanilla “style”.

The king of this legion of freaks was some white kid Katy Perry found on Instagram who looks like a millennial version of the kid from Deliverance who wears a backpack and does some weird white kid dance that lets the audience know he’s usually beat up behind his middle school by bullies who assume he’s a homosexual and feel sick about their own bi curious thoughts.

My favorite part after this performance is Katy Perry glaring at the kid after the song is over as if she’s mad at him for upstaging her or mad at herself for being so boring and bland that she can be so easily upstaged by some creepy kid in a backpack or some guy in a shark costume.

Her second song of the night, Bon Appetit is an unbearable experience during which you’ll feel your brain cells decreasing. The song, like most of Katy Perry’s songs lacks any substance and is only meant to be listened to while driving home from a friend’s party at two in the morning as you wonder why you drank so much and let that guy finger your asshole.

The song seems to be about how she’s laying herself out like a buffet for a guy looking for a no holds barred sex session. When the girl is as boring and bland as Katy Perry, such an offer is like getting a coupon for Golden Corral, sure you have access to anything you want but the quality is below average. She’s thirty two and still singing like a barely legal pop star, as if it wasn’t five years prior she crashed and burned with Russell Brand who didn’t find her to be enough in the bedroom.

As if this “I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom” sexual performance wasn’t cringeworthy enough, three black guys who look like a millennial New Edition or Pretty Ricky after the cough syrup addiction phase stand up and begin to rap a verse or two, during which Katy Perry dances in such a way she makes Hillary Clinton’s dab on Ellen look cool and normal.

Here’s the thing white girls, if you’re still sippin milkshakes and doing The Twist at the local diner, maybe take some time to learn what’s hip before you go on The Corny Collins Show and bust out something you saw on Negro Day.

In conclusion, after viewing this bullshit I envy wherever the hell Chris Cornell is and it’s obvious he saw a dress rehearsal of this before giving himself the ol Robin Williams necktie.

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