Short Story: Leaving During The Credits

Kenny and Langston were watching the final fight coming to a conclusion as their jaws dropped.

“It was just like it happened in the comics.” said Langston.

“Yeah, that means it’s good.” said Kenny, before shoving the final fistful of popcorn he had into his mouth.

As the credits began to roll across the screen, they saw a guy getting up to walk out.

“You must be new here buddy.” Kenny said, comically rolling his eyes as the rest of the comic book fans laughed with him.

The guy turned towards Kenny and Langston, looking angry at first. His body soon relaxed when he saw how sad and pathetic the two looked. The guy looked at the two men wondered if they were the type still bitching about Ghostbusters almost a year later.

“I’m not a fucking retard. I know they always have a post credits scene after these horrible fucking movies teasing the next dull, bloated, CGI-filled bullshit that’ll make a billion dollars and play well in China. I came to see this movie because I heard this one had something new and unique. I guess I was wrong. Instead I got another bloated blockbuster where the heroes are pretending to drink coffee and talk to one another while pretending not to be talking one another as if this is something that is still relevant and not something Leslie Nielsen already spoofed thirty years ago.”

Kenny was about to say something but the man held up his hand.

“And just because it happened in a comic book from 1977 doesn’t make it good. It just means the twenty guys who wrote this script were just that fucking lazy. If this movie didn’t make me fall asleep I would’ve left twenty minutes in. I guess I wish I could ask for my money back but with the nap I just got it was worth every penny. If I really wanted to, I could just watch the post credits scene on YouTube and not deal with you retards in the parking lot. The real reason I’m leaving during the credits is because a booty call asked what I was up to, which is certainly something you fucking nerds wouldn’t know shit about.”

The man once again held up his hand.

“What I mean by that is, being with a girl who isn’t twice your weight. Someone who you could easily shoulder press, someone who doesn’t look like a sumo wrestler but thinks she’s Marilyn Monroe because some feminist blog has created the idea that Marilyn Monroe would be too fat for today’s standards. Have fun watching Big Bang Theory making money and watering down your culture you fucking cocksuckers.”

Kenny, Langston and the rest of the theater were silent and hung their heads as the man walked out. A few seconds later passed before Kenny slowly lifted his head.

“Everybody still up for Magic: The Gathering at the café next door?”

Cheers and applause filled the theater just before the post credits sequence began.


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