It was two in the morning when Jeremy woke up. The sound of a bed bouncing aggressively right above his head echoed throughout the house that was split off into two apartments. Jeremy wondered how terrible the floor upstairs looked. It probably looked as if some sort of demonic creature resided under the bed, with long razor sharp claws. In reality, it was just a crackwhore fucking a fellow junkie or some unlucky fuck (unless he had a rubber, but even then….) getting a piece in exchange for supplying the bitch’s habit.
Jeremy was a little pissed off at being woken up at such an hour. He clearly told the crackwhore upstairs his schedule and how he needed his sleep. Months went by and there were no issues. Once she even offered her services and Jeremy politely declined.
Shit maybe 10-15 years ago when you might’ve been attractive. Before you threw up 1,000 meals and resorted to only digesting drugs, making you look like an eighty year old grandma at the age of thirty.
Jeremy was about to go up and say something, but the guy came and the rodeo ride came to a conclusion.
“Damn my little teacup is filled to the brim.” the crackwhore slurred.
“Shit I haven’t cum that hard since middle school, looking at pics of Pam Anderson and shit.” an unknown male voice said.
Jeremy fell asleep for another three hours before his alarm clock woke him up.
After getting ready and about to walk out his front door, Jeremy went back into his apartment and studied the door that separated the basement apartment from the upstairs apartment as an idea began to form inside his head. He quietly walked up the staircase and pressed his ear to the door.
He didn’t hear a sound.
The sun was just beginning to rise. Like a couple of deadbeat vampires, the crackwhore and her sperm donor of the night had just gone to bed.
Jeremy began a series of rapid and loud knocks on the door. After pounding as fast and hard as he could on the door, he quietly tiptoed down his staircase and rushed to the windows that looked out towards the backyard area of the house. Seconds later, he saw the crackwhore and her lover descend from the windows above his, rolling in the grass and quickly running down the street, assuming someone was about to break down their front door.
Jeremy enjoyed the peaceful silence that took place within the house for the next couple of days. What he enjoyed even more was the news that the crackwhore and her 24 hour boyfriend were arrested later that week, squatting in a lot that sold trailer homes, high as can be and keeping a watch on the crackwhore’s apartment.
A couple of months passed by without a situation until one weeknight when loud generic mumble rap was filling the house at four in the morning. This really set Jeremy off because it was only one hour before he had to wake up for another shift at his soul sucking job. After his head was cleared, Jeremy stormed out of his apartment and made his way towards the front door of the house.
Before entering the apartment, he saw his new neighbor who he always assumed was yet another drug fueled deadbeat in the neighborhood on the couch, his head back and eyes closed. Sitting next to him was Jeremy’s old foe, the crackwhore. The front door was unlocked and Jeremy easily made his way in. Both of the drug addicted deadbeats were zoned out and not aware of his presence. Jeremy saw the giant speaker which the rap music was coming from and ripped the cords from it, whipping it at his neighbor just as the sudden silence woke the druggies from whatever stupor they were currently in.
“Mother fucker!” Jeremy’s new neighbor cried out as the cords hit him in the face.
He jumped off the couch and began power walking over to Jeremy. Due to the fact that Jeremy worked out six days a week and this drug addict weighed maybe ninety pounds, Jeremy easily kicked him away once he was close enough. What he couldn’t predict was how clumsy the drug addict was, tripping over his Jordans and falling backwards through the glass table.
Knowing full well the cops would never be called on him, Jeremy kneeled down and punched his new neighbor in the nose, a scream mixed with a crunching noise echoing throughout the apartment.
“If there is any other issue regarding noise I’ll cut your god damn finger off. If It happens after that, it’s going to be your cock.”
Jeremy pulled out a decent sized pocket knife and rubbed the blade gently against the man’s cheek. “Got it?”
The new neighbor mumbled a reply, bubbles foaming in the puddle of blood forming around his mouth.
Jeremy got to his feet and saw the crackwhore sitting on the couch glaring at him. Tears were rolling down her face and she looked like she was about to explode.
“That morning you heard all those knocks on your door…..that wasn’t the cops.”
Jeremy pointed towards the door leading into the basement with a grin forming on his face. “That was me you dumb crackwhore.”
The crackwhore leapt off the couch and Jeremy’s first reaction was to grab her by the hair and toss her across the room. To his surprise it was revealed she was wearing a wig, covering up what few strands of hair she hadn’t lost or ripped out.
“Give it back, GIVE IT BAAAAAAAAACKKK!!” the crackwhore slurred.
It was then that Jeremy got a genius idea. He quickly pulled out his phone and snapped a photo of the crackwhore. He easily shoved her away as he uploaded the photo on Facebook and tagged her, remembering she sent him a friend request months ago. After successfully posting and tagging her he showed her the post, sending her to her knees crying and pounding the floor.
Two days hadn’t passed before Jeremy once again heard loud repetitive thumping over his head. He was just about to crawl into bed when he heard it. He quickly shot up and stormed out of his apartment. He not only threw the front door to the upstairs apartment open, but sent it colliding against the wall, announcing his entrance.
His upstairs neighbor was hunched over the crackwhore who was currently lying on the floor, shaking violently as her eyes rolled into the back of her head and spit foamed from her mouth. When Jeremy entered the apartment, his neighbor looked up at him, shaking and obviously frightened by his presence as he held his hands up in the air in a submissive position.
“She’s fucking OD’ing man, you’ve gotta call 911.”
Jeremy rolled his eyes, showing disgust on the outside while he cheered on the crackwhore’s death on the inside. “And where the fuck is your cell phone? Where the fuck is her cell phone?”
“W-we pawned them off..”
Jeremy looked at him with bored indifference and shrugged his shoulders. “Well I guess you better start running to the hospital because I was on a long three way call with Fate and Karma, completely drained my battery.”
The neighbor looked up at Jeremy, his jaw dropping hoping it was a cruel and sadistic joke.
Jeremy’s eyes widened in mock anger as he gestured towards the door. “Well Jesus fucking Christ get going, the bitch is fucking dying over here, you have no car and the hospital is a good three miles.”
The neighbor muttered a few fucks and ran out the front door. He got a few steps in before doubling over and huffing for oxygen. Jeremy easily caught up with him and grabbed him by the wrist.
“Didn’t I say the next time this happened you were going to lose a finger?”
Jeremy pulled out a pocket knife and squeezed it down through his neighbor’s thumb. The man screamed and ran away a few steps before falling over in a nearby ditch. As Jeremy began walking away, he heard a neighborhood dog barking. He approached the fence that closed off the backyard and threw the thumb over it. As he walked away he heard the dog’s collar jingling as it ran towards the fence, followed by the sound of wet sloppy eating echoing within the calm and quiet night.