I remember this being one of the first stories I was extremely proud of, I hope stating that doesn’t end up me being checked into a psych ward. Being able to write such an insane exploitation story was certainly something I was proud of though. It was also the first in the Jesus Christ exploitation series of stories I wrote followed by Jesus Christ and Damien Team Up To Kill Justin Bieber, Jesus Christ and The New Apostles Take On ISIS and Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny Team Up To Kill Kirk Cameron.
This story came to be for a number of reasons that I guess combined within the blender of my mind. I remember the night before I was writing this I was watching an episode of South Park where they had like a religious Super Friends team up, I believe Buddha was doing blow which gave me the idea to have The Easter Bunny snorting blow out of the vaginas of strippers. In that episode I believe they also tackled the subject of how they aren’t allowed to show the Muslim prophet Muhammad and a few months prior to writing this, the Charlie Hebdo shooting took place, which lead to Muhammad being a main character in this and now that this story is available for free, perhaps I’ll be decapitated by ISIS for having Muhammad lose an arm wrestling match to Jesus, which was a parody of the iconic baby oil covered scene in Predator.
One can only hope right?
The style of this story came from a few Hard Case Crime books I was reading at the time. A couple of them had these seedy underground bars where it seemed that anything and everything took place and I really enjoyed that, particularly Borderline by Lawrence Block. A book which I happened to find sitting in the new books section of my local library. A decent way to find new reads. If you’re still looking through Amazon or Goodreads and coming up with bitter disappointment with mommy porn and bored dull tired “classics”, just look through the new releases at your local library.
I also got a chuckle at wondering how it would be for Jesus Christ, Muhammad, L. Ron Hubbard, Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny (who I probably respect more than Jesus and Muhammad) if they teamed up like The Expendables. I think I was also watching a lot of Quentin Tarantino at the time and tried to throw that style in there too.
Well that’s enough of an introduction. If you read all of this, congrats because I certainly never would’ve. Introductions tend to be endless incoherent blabbing about nothing and I doubt mine was different from the norm.
Jesus was standing in his living room doing bicep curls while watching his television. In his mouth was a large cigar. Through the cloud of smoke he was watching the news. On the television he could see an army of people waving signs that said things such as GOD HATES FAGS and GOD LOVES DEAD SOLDIERS. After he finished his set, Jesus put down the weights. He then walked over towards the TV remote and turned it up.
“Members of the Westboro Baptist Church will be protesting the death of a local soldier stating that ‘God killed him because God loves dead soldiers and this man, one Brian Fitzpatrick was a flag waving faggot’. These are the bitter statements that we have come to know from Westboro Baptist Church.”
Jesus remembered seeing the anchorwoman before. He wasn’t sure if he ever slept with her, but he was certain he at least fingered her close to last call one night and received head in the parking lot.
Jesus had heard of Westboro Baptist Church before but had waved them off like a bad fart. Now he could see they were becoming a major pain in his ass and even more in his father’s ass. He realized then that something had to be done. He picked up his cell phone and dialed a number he could always count on.
“Hey man it’s me. Could you stop by? I got a plan for a new mission.” Jesus waited patiently for a reply.
“Alright man I’ll see you in a few.”
Jesus went back to doing bicep curls and smoking his cigar waiting for his guest.
After what felt like twenty minutes since the phone call, Jesus heard his door bell ring. He put down the dumbbells and went to answer the door. Jesus opened the door and smiled when he saw the large muscular prophet in his tank top, obviously wearing it out to impress any girls in the area.
“Muhammad! You son of a bitch!” exclaimed Jesus while him and Muhammad grabbed each other’s hands and began to arm wrestle.
Muhammad began to struggle against Jesus’ large biceps. “What’s the matter Muhammad? Do the Muslims have you pushing too many pencils?”
Muhammad eventually gave up. “Alright alright!” exclaimed Muhammad with a smile on his face as Jesus wrestled his arm down.
“At least you still know when to quit.” said Jesus.
Jesus and Muhammad moved on into the kitchen to discuss what the plan was going to be. Muhammad was still confused on what this was all about.
“So what in the fuck got your thorns in such a bunch that you had to give my ass a call?” asked Muhammad.
Jesus explained to him about seeing Westboro Baptist Church on the news.
“Hmm. I knew you’d eventually give me a call about them. A group of angry people with a lot of energy and time, never a good combination. Thank your father they’re so god damn insane, if they were charismatic I think we’d be experiencing another Holocaust.”
“O fucking right we would” replied Jesus. “So Muhammad, how would you feel about us storming into their church on a Sunday and blasting away all their members and the Phelps family?”
“The Phelps family?” asked Muhammad.
“They’re the family who created and run Westboro Baptist Church. To my knowledge the grandfather runs it and his daughter is his little minion.”
Muhammad nodded and seemed to be thinking about it. “You know I can’t turn down a good battle. Bring it on mother fucker.”
Jesus smirked. “Alright I’m glad, my Dad you love your profanity Muhammad.”
Muhammad shrugged his shoulders. “Ah man profanity ain’t shit. It’s the old mother fuckers who bitch about it that get my ass riled up. I was watching a video on YouTube of Gene Wilder being interviewed looking like a god damn shriveled up prune complaining about what’s wrong with movies today is the use of profanity. Man fuck Willy Wonka and his god damn Chocolate Factory.”
Jesus rolled his eyes. “Alright Muhammad, save that anger for Westboro would you? I’m going to give the rest of my crew for this mission a call.”
Muhammad sat in the living room and helped himself to a cigar while Jesus made three phone calls. All three of the people Jesus called said that they’d come over. One of the guys said he would go and pick up the rest of the crew on his way over. Jesus thanked him.
About an hour later, a loud crashing sound came from on top of Jesus’ mansion and both Jesus and Muhammad about crapped their pants.
“God dammit!” Muhammad said. “What in the fuck was that??”
Jesus smirked. “You’ll see”
Jesus motioned for Muhammad to follow him as they went outside. Jesus then leaped and flew up in the air towards the top of the roof. Muhammad followed.
“Ah shit” said Muhammad. “I should’ve known.”
On the roof was Santa Claus in his sleigh. Sitting behind him in the sleigh were the Easter Bunny and L. Ron Hubbard. The Easter Bunny and L. Ron Hubbard both looked sick.
“Jesus Christ what a fucking ride.” said the Easter Bunny.
“I haven’t been that high since I dropped acid at the Battlefield Earth premiere” said L. Ron Hubbard.
“Yeah cause it was the only way to get through that movie” said Santa.
L. Ron Hubbard flashed Santa a look of anger. “O fuck you St.Nick, Battlefield Earth wasn’t that bad. Far better than Fred Claus.”
Santa rolled his eyes. “O you are out of your fucking mind. I outta rip John Travolta’s cock and shove it down your god damn throat.”
Santa and L. Ron Hubbard glared at each other for a few moments. They then broke into fits of laughter and gave each other bro hugs.
“Alright so are we going inside or are we just going to stand up here and jerk each other off?” asked Muhammad.
“O you wish you nancy boy” said the Easter Bunny.
“Mother fucker you wish I’d hop down your bunny trail.” replied Muhammad.
Eventually the group of guys got off the roof and gathered around Jesus’ kitchen with cigars and beer. It was Friday night so Jesus wasn’t too worried about alcohol slowing down his team before the mission on Sunday. If he thought about it, some of the members on his team probably would function better buzzed.
“So what do you have on your mind Jesus?” asked Santa.
Jesus explained his plans to Santa, L. Ron Hubbard and the Easter Bunny.
“Christ” said Santa exhaling cigar smoke. “I suppose I’m in when it comes to killing those crazy bastards.”
“I’m down as well” said The Easter Bunny.
“I’ll be there as well Jesus” said L. Ron Hubbard and even gave Christ a fist bump to seal the deal.
“Well let’s cheer to this” said Muhammad holding up his glass. “Here’s to a successful mission, and blowing up a mother fucking shit load of homophobes.”
The guys laughed and cheered while clanking their glasses together. They all downed their drinks like they were all in their twenties again at their first frat party.
“So guys are we just going to sit here or are we going to go out?” asked Muhammad.
“Well I was thinking we could just chill here for the weekend” said Jesus.
Muhammad rolled his eyes like a teenager not being able to get his parent’s car for the weekend. “Ah man fuck that let’s go out and do something. Blow off some god damn steam before this mission.”
“I agree” said L. Ron Hubbard “I’m dying to get my fingers knuckle deep in some of Aunt May’s pie if you catch my drift.”
“You sure you aren’t more interested in getting balls deep on the Hershey highway with your boys Tom Cruise and John Travolta” asked The Easter Bunny.
L. Ron Hubbard held up his middle finger in the Easter Bunny’s direction. “O go fuck yourself Peter.”
The Easter Bunny laughed and dramatically helped up his hands. “Woah woah I didn’t mean to offend you there Ronny, it’s ok to come out. If you ever wanna bring over your boyfriends and have him meet the guys I think we’d be nice.”
L Ron smirked “Yeah I bet you wouldn’t mind meeting them and showing them your little jelly beans.”
The rest of the guys broke up in laughter at this.
“Alright alright let’s go out and party before we get caught in a circle jerk.” said Jesus.
The guys considered having a pre-game in a bar but decided against this since all the bars around here were a little too boring for them. One of the bars brought up actually had an open mic tonight and Muhammad raised a huge stinker about having to hear a bunch of douchebag hippies do lame covers of songs by 4 Non Blondes and Dave Matthews Band. All the guys decided it was best to start and end at the strip club.
“Now this is my kind of mother fucking place” said Muhammad while placing a cigar in his mouth and lighting it.
After lighting it, a large bouncer rushed up to him. “No smoking in here bro.”
Muhammad smiled at him and then smashed his forehead into the bodyguard’s nose. A large snap could be heard even with the music blaring in the strip club. What could also be heard was the bodyguard’s scream from pain.
“Change of rules tonight bro.”
Muhammad eyed the other bouncers while standing over the one he just had to deal with. “Is there anybody else that has a fucking problem?”
The bouncers shook their heads. A couple of them looked at their fallen friend feeling horrible at how pathetic he looked holding his nose.
“I didn’t think so, let’s party boys!”
All of the guys sat at the front of the stage. Jesus and Muhammad had beers and cigars while Santa Claus seemed to be smoking what smelled like a kush strain of weed out of his Rudolph bowl, which even had a red nose that glowed when Santa inhaled. Easter Bunny and L. Ron Hubbard had a mirror between them and were doing lines of coke like it was a Motley Crue music video shoot in 1986.
“When did you boys get involved in that shit?” asked Santa to the Easter Bunny and L. Ron Hubbard.
“O come on Saint Nick, you don’t like to play in the snow?” asked the Easter Bunny.
“Yeah come on Santa, ski the slopes with us.” said L. Ron Hubbard following this with elbowing the Easter Bunny while they had a good laugh.
“Fuck that I wanna be chill. Not Jason Statham in Crank” replied Santa.
“Suit yourself man” said L. Ron Hubbard.
The Easter Bunny waved a hundred dollar bill at one of the strippers. “Hey hunny could I borrow you for a few seconds?” The stripper smiled and walked on over. The Easter Bunny then smirked at the crew “Watch this shit boys.”
The stripper walking over was a gorgeous girl. The boys had to imagine she was at one time the ruler of her high school class, a cheerleader who probably went through the football team and ripped their beating hearts out of their chests like a character performing a fatality in Mortal Kombat. All of the boys could feel their balls boiling over when they looked at her tits that were only covered with two small stars, barely covering her nipples. The boys also noticed even in the dim black lighting of the strip club, that this girl believed in Brazilian waxing.
“Did you request me Peter Cottontail?” asked the stripper, rubbing her hand all over the Easter Bunny’s head and around his ears.
“That I did hunny, could you lay down and remove your panties for me?”
The girl smiled and bit her lower lip. “Anything for you Peter.”
The stripper did as was requested and slipped off the light see through material. The boys clapped and cheered with delight while everyone else in the strip club seemed to look on with jealousy at how much the boys could get away with. If anybody else asked one of the strippers to take their panties off, they’d probably be escorted out to the parking lot by the roided up goons to be taken apart like some poor bastard in a Hellraiser film.
The Easter Bunny then pulled out his vial of coke and made a line on the stripper’s stomach leading down towards her vagina. He ended the line just in front of her lips. He then opened up her lips and spilled some coke inside. The stripper giggled and moaned a little at this.
“What do you have planned Peter?” asked the stripper.
“Just stay with me sweetheart.” The Easter Bunny then turned towards the boys. “You ready?”
They all nodded their head and cheered him on. The Easter Bunny bent over and snorted the line of coke and came up for a second. He then bent down again and stuck his nose into the stripper’s vagina and snorted. The stripper gasped and shook with delight. The boys all looked at The Easter Bunny like he was a resurrected king.
“Holy fucking shit man” said Muhammad. “Where did you fucking learn to do that?”
“Yeah man that shit was insane” said Jesus.
“Practice boys practice” said the Easter Bunny.
The stripper got up and put her panties back on. After her panties were back on she grabbed the Easter Bunny’s hundred dollar bill and placed a kiss on his cheek.
“Thanks for being such a sport sweetheart” said the Easter Bunny.
“My pleasure Peter Cottontail, I haven’t exploded that good in years”
A couple of hours went by with the boys just sitting around the stage and watching the girls perform. They were all chill and relaxed now drinking beer, but also a bit bored. The owner of the strip club seeing this, saw now was the right opportunity to make his move and walked over. The boys saw him and noticed how much he resembled Ron Jeremy.
“You boys look a little bored am I right?” asked the club owner.
The boys looked at one another and began to nod.
“Yeah I suppose you could say that” said Jesus. “Nothing against your girls, they’re all beauty queens. I guess we’re just a bit antsy about a mission that’s coming up and need to let out an overwhelming amount of steam.”
“It’s understandable boys” replied the strip club owner. “We have a basement level that is the No Holds Barred area of the bar, do you think you might be interested in checking this out?”
“No Holds Barred?” asked Muhammad. “So some wild shit goes down there?”
The strip club owner nodded in reply. “Shit that’ll fucking burn off your eyebrows, shit so wild it may just blind you for eternity.”
Muhammad smiled and rubbed his chin. “Well buddy you had my curiosity, and now you have my attention. Let’s go boys!”
The boys followed the strip club owner into the kitchen where the door to the basement was located. The door had the words ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK painted in a bright red shade of paint. The strip club owner opened the door and held it open.
“After you boys”
The boys entered and the strip club owner followed behind them. The lower level was barely lit and everything in it was a light shade of purple. The stage, the bar, the leather seats and everything down in this lower level was bright purple like it was a hideout for the gang in Saints Row. The boys dug it.
“Just go sit around the front of the stage and enjoy the show boys.”
“Alright thanks man” said Jesus.
“Anything for you boys, if you need anything else I’ll be around. O and boys, anything goes down here.”
The boys gathered around the stage and sunk into the purple leather chairs. It was quite the relaxing experience. After sitting down one girl who was completely naked brought them all Boston Lagers while another brought them Cuban cigars. She placed them in the mouths of all the boys and lit them with a match. Muhammad took out a hundred dollar bill and then looked down at the girl’s bare body somewhat confused.
“Ah since you have no G-string, what exactly should I do with this?” asked Muhammad.
The girl didn’t say a word. Instead she just spread her legs and grabbed Muhammad’s wrist moving his hand towards her vagina. When it was close enough, the girl grabbed the hundred dollar bill and Muhammad watched it disappear into her vagina. The trick could only be described as Criss Angel meets Debbie Does Dallas.
“Holy shit what did we get ourselves into boys?” Muhammad said jokingly.
A rap song began to blare and the boys watched as two girls in bikinis walked onto the stage. The girls slowly walked towards each other eyeing one another and licking their lips in a seductive fashion. Once they were close enough, they wrapped their arms around one another and began french kissing while shoving their hands down their panties. The boys watched with more interest and attention than Ebert and Roper in a movie theater.
After a bit of foreplay, the girls began to undress one another while never taking their eyes off each other. The stare down only increased how erotic the act was. After they were completely nude, the girls got down on the floor and began to slither over as close to where the boys were without falling off the stage. Once they were close, they began to cross legs and scissored one another starting slow at first and then picking up the pace as time went on. While engaged in the sexual act, the boys showered them with hundreds of dollars. Both girls made an amount of money that only Tony Montana and Pablo Escobar where used to making in one night. After both girls reached orgasm, they collected their money and walked off the stage.
“Damn I haven’t been that turned on since Mary let me enter through the back door” Jesus joked.
“Holy shit now that was a fucking show” said Muhammad.
“How in the fuck are they going to top that?” asked Santa Claus looking around the lower level like Steve from Blue’s Clues searching for a clue.
Next on stage were two girls in bra and panties like the two girls, one was in a cherry red bikini and the other was wearing lime green. The boys noticed these two were a little more toned and muscular than the other two girls. Following the two girls onto the stage was a girl in referee attire. The boys looked at each other wondering what this was supposed to be.
The referee stood in-between the two girls who were now on their knees and blew her whistle. The girls began to wrestle one another. The girl in the lime green bikini was able to wrestle onto the top of the other girl, but the roles were soon switched with the girl in the cherry red bikini on top with her vagina directly over the other girl’s face. The boys cheered and applauded this battle.
“I think I’ve seen this shit before” said L. Ron Hubbard. “It’s called Ultimate Surrender. They have two girls wrestle and rip each other’s bra and panties off and finger the other girl for points. The more you put your opponent into sexual submission the more points you get.”
“I didn’t know you were into that sorta thing L.Ron” said Jesus. “You seemed to be more of a alien BDSM porn guy to me.” The guys laughed hysterically at this.
“O get fucked in your hand holes hippie” said L Ron.
As the Ultimate Surrender match progressed, the girl in the lime green bikini was able to completely strip the girl in the cherry red bikini and had her pinned while being fingered for a majority of the match, making her the victor. After the match was over, the girl in the lime green bikini was given a strap on bigger than Shaquille O’ Neal’s arm and used it to penetrate every hole of the other girl.
“Jesus, the only way you could penetrate that girl any harder was if you used my shlong” said Muhammad, gesturing to his privates.”
“O bullshit, you’re probably packing like an Asian field mouse hung in the winter time” said Jesus.
“And they say I’m the one with the jellybeans” said the Easter Bunny.
“His cock is probably like my job, only required to come once a year” said Santa Claus
“O fuck all of you” said Muhammad holding up his middle finger. “My cock is like a plane and all the pussy I’ve dominated are like the Twin Towers on 9/11 when they have their orgasms.”
All the guys laughed at this.
As the night progressed, the boys drank more and the insanity ensued. The Easter Bunny did his cocaine vagina trick for most of the strippers and by the end of the night had snorted more cocaine than a pro wrestler in the 80’s and had gotten more women off than George Clooney in the 90’s. Santa Claus got a majority of the strippers baked off his weed. L. Ron Hubbard ended up banging a couple of the strippers while Jesus and Muhammad sat back and drank beer watching all the insanity. Both men had the Westboro Baptist Church in the back of their minds but didn’t let the other boys know.
Once the sun began to rise, the boys left the strip club. It was an overwhelming feeling to leave the darkness of the strip club and feel the sun pierce through your eyes.
“Fuck it’s like that scene in Varsity Blues” said Jesus
“Does that mean Westboro Baptist Church is going to kick our ass to an overrated AC/DC song?” said The Easter Bunny.
“I’d join that church before I fucking listen to AC/DC” said Jesus. The rest of the guys smirked.
“We’ll be alright boys, just spend today recovering and resting up.” said Muhammad.
The boys did just that. Once they got back to Jesus’ mansion they rested in the guest rooms. All of them were partied out but it was very much worth it. Most of the guys haven’t partied that hard since Y2K.
Sunday morning all of the guys woke up and had a huge breakfast and infinite cups of coffee. Jesus’ kitchen table resembled the table of any family in the south doing their version of a Shoney’s. There was nothing but piles of biscuits, pancakes, bacon, eggs and anything else one would consider breakfast food. There were even some breakfast burritos from
Taco Bell. Overall, the guys looked far better than they had the morning before.
“How’s everybody feeling?” asked Jesus.
“Ready to kill some homophobes” said Muhammad.
“I’m ready” said the Easter Bunny.
“I’m ready” said Santa Claus
“Let’s fucking do this” said L.Ron Hubbard.
The guys ate enough breakfast to fill up hobbits for a week and were ready to fight. The boys loaded up all their weapons into Santa’s sleigh and were on their way to Kansas. There wasn’t a doubt in anybody’s mind that their mission would be an instant success.
The guys arrived at Westboro Baptist Church and stood defiantly on the front lawn.
“FRED PHELPS! SHOW YOUR FUCKING FACE” yelled Jesus.
Fred Phelps came out with about twenty members. Fred was standing behind them as they guarded him with their infamous GOD HATE FAGS and GOD LOVES DEAD SOLDIERS signs. Fred Phelps didn’t say a word. He made eye contact with Jesus and smirked and then went back inside the church.
“Leave the weapons boys, we’ll take these guys on hand to hand.” said Jesus.
“The hell are you talking about Jesus?” said Muhammad.
“Yeah are you out of your god damn cotton headed ninny muggins mind?” said Santa Claus.
Jesus looked back and made eye contact with the rest of the crew. “Trust me on this one.”
The guys did as requested and prepared to fight the Westboro Baptist Church members in hand to hand combat. A couple of the members charged the Easter Bunny and he grabbed them by their faces and twisted their heads to the side until he heard a snap. The members fell at his feet as if he were a rockstar being worshipped by his groupies.
Jesus charged a group of five members standing together and jumped in the air to kick them all in the head. The members used their signs as protection but Jesus’ kick was far too strong and it went through connecting with all five heads of the members. Jesus’ kick decapitated all five members, sending their heads rolling into the nearby road where a SUV ran them over.
Muhammad lit a cigar and eyed the remaining Westboro Baptist Church members. He smirked at them while he whipped his penis out and pissed all over them. Some of the members were smart enough, at least they thought they were to block Muhammad’s piss stream with their signs. Some of the members were so disgusted by this act that they doubled over and began to vomit like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.
Muhammad ended his piss stream directly in front of him and shook his penis twice before placing it back in his jeans. He then dropped his cigar on the piss stream and watched as the remaining members were engulfed in flames. Muhammad felt an ocean of peace wash over him as he watched the GOD HATES FAGS and GOD LOVES DEAD SOLDIERS signs being burnt to a crisp.
“Now grab your weapons of choice boys” said Jesus.
The boys did as requested and waited for Jesus’ instruction.
“So what now? Do we blow Fred Phelps into oblivion?” asked Muhammad.
“Wait for it” said Jesus.
Before one could ask what for, numerous cars and vans came down the street and surrounded the church. Numerous rednecks wearing t-shirts for things like Fox News and Duck Dynasty. L. Ron Hubbard looked out into the crowd and saw people such as Florida Georgia Line and Toby Keith from the country community. Jesus’ crew were easily outnumbered 250-1.
“Fred Phelps’ Plan B” said Jesus. “Not exactly members of the church but backstage supporters that help Fred Phelps financially to keep the fight against homosexuality alive.”
“Son of a bitch” said Muhammad.
“Well fuck me under the mistletoe” said Santa Claus.
Instead of speaking, the Easter Bunny threw a couple of black jelly beans into the crowd. Where they landed, it made a faint couple of taps bouncing on the pavement. There was then a decent explosion that killed twenty people. Some of the crowd were injured by the flying limbs that hit them in the face or hit them in the legs bringing them face first into the ground. This inspired the rest of the crowd to begin firing their weapons at Jesus’ crew.
L. Ron Hubbard didn’t immediately start firing into the ground. Instead he brought his arms up to his side in a mock crucifixion pose and rolled his eyes back into this head until only the whites of his eyes were visible. The sky began to cloud over and lightning storms erupted in the background. Moments later, numerous UFOs arrived and began to beam some of the rednecks up into the UFO for probing. L.Ron Hubbard made eye contact with some of the aliens and saluted them.
Santa had his sack of goods that could produce whatever he needed. Santa decided that right now he wanted some lump of coal to give out to the homophobes. Santa pulled a baseball sized lump of coal out of his bag and heated up the coal with his hand. He then put a fastball grip on the ball and pitched it into the crowd. It went through the foreheads of at least thirty people. Santa watched the coal fastball roll away covered in brains and blood.
Santa then pulled out a bowling ball sized lump of coal and made holes inside the coal for his fingers. He swung his arm like a pendulum and then let go with the ball at knee level. He smiled as the coal connected with numerous members and disconnected their bodies from the knee down. It was humorous to see so many legs from the knee down still standing while the owners of those body parts crawled around in pain.
Muhammad watched all the boys fighting creatively and decided that wasn’t going to be his style. He grabbed his Rambo machine gun out of Santa’s sleigh and opened up on the crowd killing at least three hundred people. Muhammad always aimed in the stomach because he knew that would be the most painful way to die.
Jesus jumped around the crowd avoiding bullets left and right. The closest he had ever come to being hit was a few times when the world seemed to slow down around him and he watched as a bullet passed through the holes in the palm of his hands. It was the first time Jesus was ever thankful for those. Jesus’ weapon of choice was a crown of thorns that also doubled as a boomerang. It was sharper than any butcher knife and when Jesus threw it, the crown of thorns flew at such a vicious speed it could decapitate anybody. Jesus sometimes would slow it down so it would stick into people’s eyes or their neck to create an even more painful death.
The battle against Westboro’s Plan B took around ten minutes before every member was either dead or critically injured. Jesus and his crew left the critically injured alone, hoping they would spread the word on where homophobia got them. It was a stretch of the imagination since homophobes were complete retards but it was worth a shot. The boys looked at the church wondering where Fred Phelps was.
Jesus entered the church and saw Fred Phelps with his back to the entrance. Jesus slowly walked up to the entrance of the church wondering how this would end.
“I hope you saved your energy kike” said Fred Phelps.
“And I hope you’re prepared to die for your sins” said Jesus.
Fred laughed at this, still with his back to Jesus. “O silly little kike who loves to write checks his ass can never cash.”
Fred turned around and showed Jesus what he held in his hands. It was a whip with nine straps on it, on each end of the straps were things such as glass, bones and miniature nails.
“Ah the Roman Cat of Nine Tails” said Jesus. “I’m very familiar with that whip.”
“O I bet you are” said Fred.
After this last quote he did a front flip off the stage, screaming with vengeance as he brought the whip down and missed Jesus’ head by inches. Jesus then went to chop Phelps in the neck but once again was surprised by the old man’s quick moves as Fred dodged the chop and whipped Jesus across the back.
Jesus walked over to the other side of the church and fell over in pain. He stayed down for awhile, he barely had the energy to sit up and look at Fred Phelps laughing at him.
“Don’t worry Jesus. After I kill you, I’m going to finish the rest of your team and crucify your corpses on some crosses out on the front yard so everybody will finally realize how awful of a sin standing up to me is.”
Jesus stood up and seemed to be motivated by the blood dripping from the wound on his back. He charged for Fred Phelps and Fred used the whip to create some separation between the two men. Fred carelessly threw around the whip all over desperately trying to hit Jesus’ face. While he was doing this, Jesus made a quick chop for Fred’s abdomen and sliced his stomach open. Fred felt his heart chill as he watched blood trickle down on his feet. The two men once again stepped back readying themselves for the next battle.
“Is it too late to apologize?” asked Fred.
“It’s never too late” said Jesus.
“Then I am sorry.”
Jesus once again charged for him and Fred slashed at Jesus with the whip. Jesus ducked and went to chop Fred’s head. He hit Fred exactly where he wanted to hit him, on the hairline. Jesus watched with happiness as Fred’s scalp flew across the room. Fred doubled over and blood flowed from his head. His brain rolled somewhere under the pews.
Jesus returned to the front lawn of the church where his team was waiting for him. They exclaimed with excitement as Jesus walked out of the church. They all ran up to him and wrapped their arms around him. Muhammad was the first one to notice the wound.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” exclaimed Muhammad. “We gotta get you to a hospital.”
“Meh fuck that I’ll be alright with some alcohol and a decent sized bandage.” said Jesus. “Let’s go get me patched up and have a celebration at the strip club.”
“In the No Holds Barred room?” asked L.Ron Hubbard.
“Wouldn’t have it any other way” said Jesus.
The guys all fist pumped and yelled in celebration while having celebratory cigars. They got Jesus patched up and had another intense night in the No Holds Barred section of the strip club. While the boys enjoyed putting another mission in the books and relaxing, they were already prepared for whatever mission the future had waiting for them.