Who The Fuck Is Listening To The Chainsmokers?

It’s safe to say that at this point, The Chainsmokers have replaced Nickelback as the most hated group, and for good reason.

The easiest way to define the sound of The Chainsmokers is vanilla, very very vanilla. There’s no substance. There’s nothing original or fresh. All of their songs sound like something only a middle schooler could appreciate, something only they could think is about the everyday struggles of an adult.

I recently heard someone describe The Chainsmokers as a group that only makes songs about the whitest people and their struggles. I have to agree with this opinion because The Chainsmokers are a group that can only be enjoyed by people who identify as the hardest and bleakest day of their life as the time someone broke up with them through text and they just stared down at the screen of their seven hundred dollar iPhone feeling their stomach drop as they drank a Caramel Frappuccino.

I still have a hard time trying to comprehend how the guys who broke through with #SELFIE are now the most played group worldwide. It’s somewhat weird that they had a song spoofing the dullest and least interesting women, and now they make music that appeals to only those same women. It would be similar to after releasing Valley Girl, Frank Zappa starting to play music similar to Rick Springfield or Duran Duran and playing in malls for the girls he once mocked.

While attempting to try and comprehend the popularity of The Chainsmokers, one of my theories is that their fanbase consists of the dull empty headed people I knew in high school who were obsessed with 3OH!3 when WANT dropped and now years later, they somehow found a way to be even duller and less interesting than they were at sixteen. Now, whether or not you like 3OH!3 it’s hard to deny that the lamest people in 2009 had “Tell your boyfriend if he says he’s got beef, that I’m a vegetarian and I ain’t fucking scared of him” as the headline on their MySpace profile.

Another theory I have behind the popularity of The Chainsmokers is they’re easily understandable to countries where English is not their first language and they want to be into American pop culture. The Chainsmokers are so bland and empty as a Fast and Furious or superhero film which makes me wonder if their marketing approach is similar to big studio movies, keep it simple at a third grade reading level so not only dim witted Americans eat it up but also the overseas market.

You name a song by The Chainsmokers and I can guarantee you it makes me physically sick.

Something Just Like This- A song sung by Chris Martin from Coldplay, a man so boring and bland that Gwyneth Paltrow was with him for over a decade muttering about Greek legends and name calling the most popular superheroes, repeating lines endlessly like a scratched Milli Vanilli CD as one of The Chainsmokers bats away at a keyboard in a hungover stupor.

Paris- A song that seems to be about an overly privileged couple escaping to Paris because their parents are being poopy about their relationship, probably taking a chunk from their allowance. This song sounds like a teen soap opera that only the most superficial high school girls would follow week to week on CW.

Closer- According to Spotify, this song has been listened to 965,906,890 times at the time I write this. I’m not sure if this is a real number or a made up number only created to comfort people when the thought of nuclear war or another form of an apocalypse comes to mind. It’s a song all about two exes hooking up. A song about ex-lovers hooking up that’s incredibly douchy and lame, it’s like the writers of Entourage remade Casablanca. Blink 182 is mentioned at one point, which goes to show how The Chainsmokers are aware how incredibly white their audience is.

So that’s three Chainsmokers songs I just listened to and I think that’s enough torture for one day. Besides, with three songs I think the fucking point is made. Boring white people who think they’re edge because they drink a little too much muttering over a dull repetitive beat about what they think love is. There’s more originality and thought provoking moments about the idea of relationships and love in Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.

If you listen to The Chainsmokers and enjoy what they’re putting out, I’m sorry and my thoughts and prayers are with you as you slowly rot away. I wish there was an easier way to tell you this…….but I give you three to five years before you’re watching Ellen and laughing out loud.


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