WrestleMania 33

WrestleMania no longer is the greatest show of the year.

And just like that I’ve alienated half the people reading this, JK nobody is reading this and I’m practically ranting against a cyber brick wall. (2017 and you’re still using words like cyber, Christ Emilio your shit is more outdated than Jeff Foxworthy’s act)

Nowadays it has the quality of any mediocre PPV they seem to put on but the only difference now is that it goes on endlessly and dares you to watch until the end. I believe the mediocrity on the actual card this year, not counting all the mediocrity on the pre-show totaled to about five and a half hours.

Christ, that’s far too long for an entertainment show that has stopped being renovating and daring to try something new years ago.

For the past two years whenever I watch WrestleMania my mind feels drained, I want nothing to do with wrestling until a year from now and question how I ever started identifying as a wrestling fan in the first place.

The first match on the card was AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon, one of the few bright moments of this night. Maybe I say that because it was early in the show and unlike a majority of the guys in his age bracket on the card, Shane McMahon can still go. He seems to be driven and not just there to collect a paycheck unlike some of the performers he shares the card with. And AJ Styles? What’s there to say about AJ Styles? He was the most over guy, the greatest performer the roster had in 2016 and has really taken that spot Seth Rollins once held so well in 2015.

In an era where WWE has truly become a washed up rock band doing summer vacation tours, playing their most rebellious songs of yesteryear (HHH, Brock Lesnar, Chris Jericho Undertaker, Shane McMahon, Goldberg) for old dads with beer bullies remembering how great 1998 was as they stand next to their kids jumping up and down, AJ Styles is one of the few bright spots on the WWE roster, a young talent that used to be the kind of guy WWE was willing to go with until they started sitting on their ass and pushing the already established names who have run out of new tricks, the thing they badmouth WCW for once doing.

Overall, very enjoyable match that I was sports entertained by. The only thing I hate is that this fucking match went on for twenty minutes. It’s a bit ridiculous and overkill but hey those two words also best describe WrestleMania.

The next match was Kevin Owens vs Chris Jericho. To be honest I don’t even recall Kevin Owens getting the pin and winning the belt. It could be because at this point perhaps I was already feeling exhausting and boredom from WrestleMania, the fact that belts literally hold zero currency for performers or maybe a little of both. From what I do recall I remember a decent match but nothing that really feels like a WrestleMania match. From the type of match this was, it could’ve easily been on a Fastlane or Hell In A Cell card.

Next up was Bayley, Sasha Banks, Charlotte and Nia Jax for the women’s belt. Pretty decent I suppose. The women rarely disappoint and they pretty much did what they usually do. Nia Jax is painfully mediocre, perhaps more painfully mediocre than the product she works for but hey overrated performers getting further than they should because they’re related to The Rock seem to be all the rage these days.

Next up was the Fatal Four Way Ladder Match when it was revealed that The Hardy Boyz have returned. It helped heal the wounds of having to sit through an Enzo Amore and Big Cass promo. The Hardy Boyz while being a simple nostalgia act still appear to be able to go and bring out the best in their opponents.  This match similar to Shane McMahon vs AJ Styles was one of the few big fight feel matches on the card. When it comes to quality and appeal, practically the complete opposite of the next match.

Next up was John Cena and Nikki Bella vs The Miz and Maryse. Whether or not this match was set up for what followed it, it doesn’t excuse the fact that this match was at best, something that main events RAW in the final months of the year, you know that time of year when nobody really gives a fuck what’s going on because it’s the holidays and have kinda shut down mentally until the New Year? The only thing that was interesting about this match was the buildup, where Miz and his wife went above and beyond to get people to be entertained by this match.

Whenever Nikki Bella is playing a babyface role it just feels weird and wrong. She’s the most attractive female in the city, she’s got fake tits and dresses like a scumbag cool guy in high school. How can anybody get invested in her as a babyface?

Overall the fact that this match made it on the WrestleMania card really says something in how the level of quality for WrestleMania has dropped in recent years, worse than ever due to the fact that practically every two to three weeks now they’re doing some type of “PPV” on the WWE Network so when WrestleMania comes around, they’re completely out of ideas, which explains mediocrity like this getting on the card.

Sure, the argument can be made that this painfully mediocre match was set up just so we could get to the moment where John Cena proposes to Nikki Bella, but why not just have John Cena come out and cut a promo and bring her out and etc. etc. etc. (I watched The King and I yesterday as well) instead of having the audience sit through a Sunday Night Heat/ Velocity quality level of a match? This is WrestleMania for fuck’s sake.

I wonder if John Cena can see how far he’s dropped in value or if he’s more focused on attempting to score it big making big budget mediocre films like The Rock is currently doing.

After this we move onto Seth Rollins vs Triple H, perhaps the dullest moment of the night. Thinking back on last year’s WrestleMania this is like a reboot of Triple H’s last night. Triple H comes in with a dull and I guess over the top entrance that only a dad in his late 40s with three kids who thinks he still has an edge because he blares AC/DC in the garage can be impressed by, has a mediocre match where he goes through the motions and perhaps expects people to be impressed by because he got his body in phenomenal shape for WrestleMania and just as you’re about to fall asleep, you’re woken up by his wife taking a pretty cool bump that is the only memorable spot of an otherwise dull blunder of a match.

This is by far not as terrible and abysmal as Triple H’s match with Sting, but it’s just dull and mediocre and equivalent to watching a mid-card match at the local barnyard independent wrestling promotion show in your area. It’s sad because Seth Rollins was on fire in 2015 and even with a win over a big name, it doesn’t seem to really mean much.

After this was Bray Wyatt vs Randy Orton. Jesus fucking Christ WWE…..the championship match as the third to last match on the biggest show of the year? If the belt isn’t the biggest prize, the thing that closes the show why even have a belt? With how little effort they put into the prestige of the belt, the actual WWE championship holds as much worth and currency as the replica championship belts they send to sports teams who hold it up during the victory parade.

This match was good and decent, which is sadly far above average for this year’s WrestleMania. What I liked about this match was the fact that whenever Bray Wyatt went into a cool move, the ring would have images of worms or maggots covering the ring like a projection screen. I felt this was very cool and different and made the match stick out. It made me recall the acid boat trip scene in Willy Wonka and I thought that was very cool of them to do.

Randy Orton hits something, probably an RKO and wins the match. I remember thinking to myself that whatever ending that went with was rather lame and unceromonial, something that could very well happen on an episode of Smackdown. I’m not one to really care about the outcomes of a match anymore but it seems rather dull and lame that Randy Orton is once again holding the championship and Bray Wyatt is no doubt doomed to return to mid-card hell, but overall a decent buildup and great storyline going into WrestleMania and maybe there’s hope that Bray Wyatt will have something worth his talent to do.

If I recall correctly this was the part in the show where they brought out the musical act, Pitbull, Flo Rida, and Lunchmoney Lewis. Leave it to WWE to bring out the guys who were last selling records in 2014. WWE never ceases to amaze me with how lame and trying to be cool and with the kids in a sad Hillary Clinton way, but even with the addition of Lunchmoney Lewis I was shocked at this new low WWE was willing to sink to.

Seriously, how did Bills become such a huge song? Have the masses truly become that sad and pathetic? I guess so.

But honestly with the mediocrity of the in ring product, the mediocrity of the musical performance somewhat goes unnoticed.

Next comes Brock Lesnar and Goldberg, a match that certainly has a level of intrigue to it. The beginning of this match was quite entertaining, Brock Lesnar hit three suplexes and while not paying attention Goldberg springs to his feet and spears him. There’s another spot where Goldberg spears him outside through some type of wall or blockade and this match is overall a decent wrestling version of the cool rock band of the 70s going on their summer tour and playing all of the greatest hits. This match certainly wasn’t as bad as I imagined it could’ve been, but it’s mediocre and acceptable and sadly Brock Lesnar isn’t showing the horsepower he was showing last in 2014.

After this comes the Smackdown Women’s Championship match between six female Superstars which for me was the last entertaining moments of the night. These six performers come on and put on a very entertaining and athletic match. I was also very satisfied with the outcome because Alexa Bliss to me is highly overrated. Guys wanna fuck her and because of this among IWC fanboys she is treated like royalty. I don’t know, I guess I’ve seen enough white women cosplaying as Harley Quinn to be burned out and disillusioned with the look.

The headlining match of the night was The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns. Now a lot of people hate Roman Reigns but I am very indifferent to him. WWE’s need and desire to be John Cena 2.0 is very overwhelming and after all of their eagerness and trying far too hard to make him The Guy I just can’t produce any emotion over him, it’s just somewhat silly and sad that they bury their head in the sand over this guy who is by far the most mediocre guy to get this much of a push.

His name is Roman Reigns, which sounds like the type of a character you would create on a wrestling video game when you were six. His theme is like a garage band covering The Shield’s theme on YouTube and he wears a chest protector, something that Big Boss Man and D Lo Brown wore as heels while Roman has in the past at least been desperately pushed as a babyface.

And then there’s Undertaker, a man who is taking his sweet time walking to the ring when it was by then 11:30 and you just want this bullshit to be over with. I believe he even got a starting part at halfway down the ramp and it was still like waiting forever for your grandpa to make his fucking way to the car so you could take his ass back to the nursing home.

The match overall wasn’t painfully terrible, but it’s was a match you have seen before if you’re a wrestling fan who has been watching PPVs the past ten years since John Cena’s reign as champ. The two powerhouse names use their finishers like five times each and finally Roman Reigns hits yet another spear which was his fourth or fifth spear and ten superman punches and finally gets the pinfall. Like I said before, not awful but it’s something that’s been done time and time again in recent years.

A lot of people are probably fucking pissed Roman Reigns won and has something as prestigious as going over on Undertaker at WrestleMania but to me something as petty as this waters down the WWE product overall. Instead of being angry at this and taking a kayfabe statistic seriously, it makes one able to step back and realize this is a children’s show that is nothing but disposable entertainment.

Overall WrestleMania 33 was a painfully draining event. As I write this the day after, I feel like someone who has gotten their brain sucked out through a straw and as if someone is temporarily borrowing my soul. Vince McMahon has always stated that WWE is not wrestling but sports entertainment but I truly fail to see where the entertainment was last night.

ROBERT STACK UNSOLVED MYSTERIES UPDATE: Shit, I was so eager to get done writing this like I was eager for WrestleMania to end that I forgot about the agonizing moment that made this snoozefest go on EVEN LONGER.

Taker shedding his clothing like James Blunt in the You’re Beautiful video and possibly saying goodbye. Is he saying goodbye? Is he just shedding his spooky zombie clothing and possibly going to be the badass biker again for another big money paycheck for little to no effort?

I don’t know, I guess we’ll just have to patiently wait for whatever disappointment awaits us at next year’s WrestleMania.

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